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Sunday, February 15, 2009
But My Faith Has Got Me Bound To Your Grey Blue Eyes
Did I really only post two blogs last year? Wow this thing use to be my therapy and now I never even look at it let alone post anything. I've been feeling more shut off recently, really don't feel the need to branch out to other people so once again I'm turning to the one outlet that has always proven to be effective, THIS. Perhaps its just the fact that its winter and everyone is hybernating, or maybe its just where life has brought me but I'm feeling more secluded recently and like it. Am I being neglectful of my friends? I don't know, maybe I am, but if they're true friends they'll understand, I just want to be alone for awhile.
I suppose, if I'm going to begin this all again, I should give a slight recaps since my last post. The Isaac thing didn't really work out. We had a ton of fun and I really like being around him but that spark just wasn't there (we still hang out though). In the mean time, I fell in love with someone. We got a ruff start and weren't meant to work from the beginning because of it all, plus that fact that I wasn't ready to give him the type of relationship I wanted, it all became a mess. The last few months with him have been some of the happiest I've had and he makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time...or ever in some cases. He's incredible, smart, witty, bold, stubborn, sweet, and has a smile that has changed my life. I look at the world differently because of him and didn't even realize it. Everyday is something new, there is always something I want to talk to him about, he can make me laugh for no reason, and everything he does excites me. I've never felt the way I feel about him when he looks into my eyes. But, at last, it can't work. Not quite yet. The things I want with him I'm not ready to give, I don't have my own shit together enough to give that much of myself to someone else. But I want to try and perhaps when him and I cross paths again it'll be the right time. We both decided it was best to stop seeing each other until then since it was getting messy and the bull shit would only wear down at whatever chances we have at making it work. Not an easy choice by any means but the right one.
So needless to say I miss Anthony, a ton. Each day is harder than the day before, I thought it was suppose to work the other way around. I miss sharing my day with him and hearing about his. I miss out conversations about everything and though there are times that I completely disagree with him and he can drive me insane, I unknowingly love him a little more in those moments because of his honestly and boldness. I wouldn't love him if he was anyone else and thought any differently than he does. I can't even begin to get into how amazing he is, that would be all this blog was ever about. And honestly it hurts a little too much right now to think of all the things he has done for me....and my little one. (Yes of course on top of it all he has been amazing to Tristen....he even bought him Christmas presents and helped wrap them and put them under the tree from Santa. He understands completely that Tristen comes 1st 100% of them time and fell in love with him the 1st time he met him.)
What else is there to update on (I really must stop talking about Anthony because its making me miss him that much more). I joined a gym a few weeks ago, something Ive been meaning to do for awhile but my meat head love helped persuade me to do it right. I work out about 5-7 times a week and I'm really starting to feel good. I've lost a little weight but have put on a lot of muscle already and I'm pretty excited about how much my endurance has improved in such a short time. Today I missed my work out because I napped while Tristen did since I didn't get to sleep til late last night and didn't have a very restful one when I did lay down. When he woke up we meet my friend Jack and his 3 year old son at the park in Medford to play for awhile, then grabbed some dinner together. We had a really good time, though the kids are still warming up to each other, and I can't wait to do it again. I need more parent friends and him and I have a lot in common when it comes to our back stories (involving the evolution of our family lives) and the way we parent our sons.
Tristen is doing good, smart as hell, drives me nuts sometimes but that's what kids are suppose to do to their parents. He is a really good kid and so loving, you can't help but adore him whether your family or not. Matt and I aren't doing too bad. Its messy at times but I can't expect it not to be. We've been doing a lot more family things recently which is nice. Though he never comes over here anymore which he use to a lot, I only ever go over there. It all works in phases I suppose.
Megan and I are still best friends though its been a little ruff recently. We've both been in down swings and its a little hard on the friendship. I worry about the fact that she goes to the Marlton Tavern every night (mainly for the company and to escape her home life instead of working on finding a new sense of normal with it) and I have been hiding away. We both are trying to get by the best we can I suppose, just choose different ways of doing it and I happen to not like hers. I'm not a fan of the boys she's been going after or the choices she makes when it comes to men in general but I'm not perfect and have made a mess of my love life in the past so I can't judge in the least bit.
I haven't seen Jenna since Christmas, even longer since I've seen Mike and Steph and I haven't been in touch since September, I think. Part of that is my fault, I've been secluded or branching out to different people, and the rest is just the way life goes. Hopefully I'll see Mike sometime this week and I need to catch up with Jenna soon since I bailed on her birthday party after having an awful anxiety attack.
Well, that will be all for now. There will be many more posts in the near future...
Peace,
Ashlee
Current Music: "Grey Blue Eyes"~ Dave Matthews
I suppose, if I'm going to begin this all again, I should give a slight recaps since my last post. The Isaac thing didn't really work out. We had a ton of fun and I really like being around him but that spark just wasn't there (we still hang out though). In the mean time, I fell in love with someone. We got a ruff start and weren't meant to work from the beginning because of it all, plus that fact that I wasn't ready to give him the type of relationship I wanted, it all became a mess. The last few months with him have been some of the happiest I've had and he makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time...or ever in some cases. He's incredible, smart, witty, bold, stubborn, sweet, and has a smile that has changed my life. I look at the world differently because of him and didn't even realize it. Everyday is something new, there is always something I want to talk to him about, he can make me laugh for no reason, and everything he does excites me. I've never felt the way I feel about him when he looks into my eyes. But, at last, it can't work. Not quite yet. The things I want with him I'm not ready to give, I don't have my own shit together enough to give that much of myself to someone else. But I want to try and perhaps when him and I cross paths again it'll be the right time. We both decided it was best to stop seeing each other until then since it was getting messy and the bull shit would only wear down at whatever chances we have at making it work. Not an easy choice by any means but the right one.
So needless to say I miss Anthony, a ton. Each day is harder than the day before, I thought it was suppose to work the other way around. I miss sharing my day with him and hearing about his. I miss out conversations about everything and though there are times that I completely disagree with him and he can drive me insane, I unknowingly love him a little more in those moments because of his honestly and boldness. I wouldn't love him if he was anyone else and thought any differently than he does. I can't even begin to get into how amazing he is, that would be all this blog was ever about. And honestly it hurts a little too much right now to think of all the things he has done for me....and my little one. (Yes of course on top of it all he has been amazing to Tristen....he even bought him Christmas presents and helped wrap them and put them under the tree from Santa. He understands completely that Tristen comes 1st 100% of them time and fell in love with him the 1st time he met him.)
What else is there to update on (I really must stop talking about Anthony because its making me miss him that much more). I joined a gym a few weeks ago, something Ive been meaning to do for awhile but my meat head love helped persuade me to do it right. I work out about 5-7 times a week and I'm really starting to feel good. I've lost a little weight but have put on a lot of muscle already and I'm pretty excited about how much my endurance has improved in such a short time. Today I missed my work out because I napped while Tristen did since I didn't get to sleep til late last night and didn't have a very restful one when I did lay down. When he woke up we meet my friend Jack and his 3 year old son at the park in Medford to play for awhile, then grabbed some dinner together. We had a really good time, though the kids are still warming up to each other, and I can't wait to do it again. I need more parent friends and him and I have a lot in common when it comes to our back stories (involving the evolution of our family lives) and the way we parent our sons.
Tristen is doing good, smart as hell, drives me nuts sometimes but that's what kids are suppose to do to their parents. He is a really good kid and so loving, you can't help but adore him whether your family or not. Matt and I aren't doing too bad. Its messy at times but I can't expect it not to be. We've been doing a lot more family things recently which is nice. Though he never comes over here anymore which he use to a lot, I only ever go over there. It all works in phases I suppose.
Megan and I are still best friends though its been a little ruff recently. We've both been in down swings and its a little hard on the friendship. I worry about the fact that she goes to the Marlton Tavern every night (mainly for the company and to escape her home life instead of working on finding a new sense of normal with it) and I have been hiding away. We both are trying to get by the best we can I suppose, just choose different ways of doing it and I happen to not like hers. I'm not a fan of the boys she's been going after or the choices she makes when it comes to men in general but I'm not perfect and have made a mess of my love life in the past so I can't judge in the least bit.
I haven't seen Jenna since Christmas, even longer since I've seen Mike and Steph and I haven't been in touch since September, I think. Part of that is my fault, I've been secluded or branching out to different people, and the rest is just the way life goes. Hopefully I'll see Mike sometime this week and I need to catch up with Jenna soon since I bailed on her birthday party after having an awful anxiety attack.
Well, that will be all for now. There will be many more posts in the near future...
Peace,
Ashlee
Current Music: "Grey Blue Eyes"~ Dave Matthews
posted by A*s*h*l*e*e at Sunday, February 15, 2009
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