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Thursday, February 26, 2009
In the Darkest Times You Shine on Me, You Set Me Free & Keep Me Steady As We Go
Weird few days. I had the most amazing night and day with Anthony this week....I know I know...I shouldn't be spending time with him until I get my life together, it only makes it harder. But I missed him so much and we kept talking after he came to Sean's match on Saturday so I lapsed a little. He slept over Tuesday night after work and we stayed up way too late making each other laugh and smile. We barely slept but I had a better nights sleep than I have in awhile...I think because I was so cozy cuddled up in his arms. Just feeling his presence next to me changes my mood. But at last, I had to say good bye again and stick with it this time. Its too hard to talk to him and not break down and see him. He brings out the pieces of me I didn't know I had and I suddenly find myself becoming more of the person I strive to be when he's near me. How can I just let that go?
I saw Nana last night and tonight, she's still in ICU but they'll be moving her out tomorrow. Last night was hard because she didn't really know what was going on or that I was even there 1/2 the time. But her mind was still there somewhere inside all the medication and today she was a little bit more with it, she could follow short conversations.
Other than that I'm not sure what else there is. Oh Matt joined my gym so I've been showing him around a little. Tomorrow I'm going to show him upper body and probably push him a little. So far I've showed him around but haven't really pushed him while he's worked out but tomorrow is a fun day for me (I love working on my arms, I'm not really sure why) so I plan on putting him through a little pain. I need to get his ass in gear and HOPEFULLY while doing arms he'll step it up (I've been stronger than him at everything else so far).
I'm trying very hard not to let myself get too down about missing Anthony and turn some of the pain into something good. I have a lot I want to get done and I really need to get my ass in gear if I want that all to happen. In the past 6 months I've done at least a dozen things I've been talking about going for years but kept putting off. This year is my year for change, and I've done a good job so far, but if I'm going to keep things going I need to step it up and take it all to a whole new level. I can't sit here and think about him all day, I need to take care of things, we'll find our way back to each other...then it'll have a real chance because we won't have all the bull shit dragging us down and we'll both (or at least I will) be in better places personally and be able to handle giving more to each other.
That's it, I don't feel like typing anymore. I was doing good until I went to see Nana and now I'm a little sober.
Peace,
Ashlee
Current Music: "Steady As We Go"~ DMB
I saw Nana last night and tonight, she's still in ICU but they'll be moving her out tomorrow. Last night was hard because she didn't really know what was going on or that I was even there 1/2 the time. But her mind was still there somewhere inside all the medication and today she was a little bit more with it, she could follow short conversations.
Other than that I'm not sure what else there is. Oh Matt joined my gym so I've been showing him around a little. Tomorrow I'm going to show him upper body and probably push him a little. So far I've showed him around but haven't really pushed him while he's worked out but tomorrow is a fun day for me (I love working on my arms, I'm not really sure why) so I plan on putting him through a little pain. I need to get his ass in gear and HOPEFULLY while doing arms he'll step it up (I've been stronger than him at everything else so far).
I'm trying very hard not to let myself get too down about missing Anthony and turn some of the pain into something good. I have a lot I want to get done and I really need to get my ass in gear if I want that all to happen. In the past 6 months I've done at least a dozen things I've been talking about going for years but kept putting off. This year is my year for change, and I've done a good job so far, but if I'm going to keep things going I need to step it up and take it all to a whole new level. I can't sit here and think about him all day, I need to take care of things, we'll find our way back to each other...then it'll have a real chance because we won't have all the bull shit dragging us down and we'll both (or at least I will) be in better places personally and be able to handle giving more to each other.
That's it, I don't feel like typing anymore. I was doing good until I went to see Nana and now I'm a little sober.
Peace,
Ashlee
Current Music: "Steady As We Go"~ DMB
posted by A*s*h*l*e*e at Thursday, February 26, 2009
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