(·.¸(·.¸¸.·)¸.·) SuNsHiNe·.¸¸.·DaYdReAm (¸.·(¸.·`·.¸)·.¸)

Standing on the Moon, I Feel So Alone & Blue.

2009-03-31T13:37:00.004-04:00

I had a pretty odd dream last night. I'm not too sure how it started but at some point I was wandering around the lawn seats of the tweeter concert (which of course looked nothing like the way it should have) with Tristen in a stroller at a Dead show. At some point I got ahold of Isaac and some other friends I have that are GD fans, not so much "heads" though, and sat with them but they didn't seem to be in the mood to be around me at all. In fact, I've felt like I was being avoided all together, perhaps because I had Tristen with me. There were bleachers and tents set up so it was more like a festival then a one time 3 hours show and I had a tent set up myself. I walked over to the bleachers after my strange encounter with my friends (I suppose every encounter at a Dead show is strange though hehe) and found all these little hits of acid on the ground and very carefully, as not to draw attention to my brilliant discovery, bent down to collect as many as I could. Then I found two whole sheets (a sheet 100 hits) and forgot about the individual hits, except two that I snatched for myself and took right then and there, and grabbed the two sheets. I remember giving one to Isaac for good faith but never was able to get it back and the other I almost lost several times...wouldn't be the 1st time I've lost hits and won't be the last. But I don't remember the show or anything beyound. Funny though, the way the Tweeter was set up I've dreamt about before. I guess we choose an astral projection for certain places in our dreams and because of our comfort, attachment, or ability to recognize them later on as that place again we reuse them and they become a reoccurring thing.

Two weeks, that's all, until the Dead start their tour. And two weeks until I head out to Charollestville, VA (DMB's stomping ground!!) to see my 1st show. No doubt it will be the concert highlight of my summer, perhaps even year. I CANNOT WAIT!!!!! It's a nice little light along what's been a dark road I've traveled the last few months.

Hm anything else? Oh Jack helped me fix my car, and by help I mean he did all the work and I sat there entertaining him by jabbering on like a monkey while he cursed at things. I owe him big time for that because he saved me a lot of money and cursing myself. Had a rather strange moment when hours after Matt and I had a little trist on the phone and he made a comment about my "boy toy", Jack called his ex to talk to Gavin (his son) and his ex made a comment about me..."say hi to Ashlee for me". Apparently Gavin was talking about me all day and it must have hit a nerve, or maybe she just brought it up to to smug with him but the way she said it was almost as if she was taking a dig at me but I guess I can't really take it that way because she had no idea I was next to him at the time and I could hear her say it. Odd, the whole conversation he had with her and his son the only thing I could hear was Gavin yelling "Why?" and that last little bit she through out there at him. Hmmm? But needless to say I still had a good time with him yesterday. We do nothing at all and still find a way to make the hours fly by.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Standing on the Moon"~GD

Try to See What's Going Down, Maybe Read Between the Lines

2009-03-29T18:06:00.006-04:00

Life has been rocky at home with my mom over the past few weeks. In a nut shell she wants me out and won't stop at anything to make it happen. (Insults, over stepping BIG TIME, being nasty, causing problems where there shouldn't be any and all kinds of other fun things.) I'll be out soon enough, I'm at my end with all of this!

I've been hanging out with Jack Czarnota a lot. I guess it started on St. Patty's day when we went out to grab a few drinks (though we've been doing play dates with our kids for awhile) and has just taken off from there. Honestly, I'm a little surprised at how much fun I've been having with him and how well we get along. I didn't think I'd be right for a long time after Anthony and I decided it was best to not talk for awhile and get over our issues but Jack has been great and keeps me smiling when I need it the most. He's a real sweet heart but knows how to bust my balls and keep things real, on top of the fact that he's a really good dad. I have to say I like where things are going and I'm looking forward to going further down this road with him!

Peace,

Ashlee

Current Music: "Bertha"~GD

I Use to Get High For a Living, Thinking That My Destiny Was Out of My Control

2009-03-07T19:50:00.004-05:00

Wow I'm manic. Simple as that. I have the BEST emotional high right now, mostly because of the weather and the smell and feeling of spring it brings with it but also because Anthony knows how to make me the happiest person alive. A moment with him recharges me and changes my whole day. As hard as it is to say goodbye and live without his smile in my life everyday, I get by knowing he loves me as much as I love him and there isn't anything that'll change how we feel about each other. It's the most incredible feeling in the word and I've been trying to focus on that instead of how much I miss him.

This week has been very up and down, I must be pmsing or something because there were a stretch of days that were really ruff on me on top of the fact that I've consumed a massive amount of chocolate. Been a little frustrated with Megan and got on her case a little yesterday about the drinking thing...well more so the fact that she goes out EVERY night instead of going home and dealing with her home life. But there is only so much I can say and I have to pick n choose when I do say it so I don't offend her and maybe I can get through.

Matt's had a ruff week and it's showing by means of his car getting beat up. It was hit while he was at work one day and then a couple days later he found out the hard way he had a flat. I'd like to see him one of these nights just to talk and hang out but I don't think that'll happen before Monday when he has Tristen next. Maybe I'll just hang over there for awhile that night.

Spring makes me want to take back up habits that I've let go over the winter (because I didn't enjoy the side effects but that I that mostly had to do with my state of mind). Something about the warm air just SCREAMS shows and grateful dead and good herb. A little more than a month before my birthday show in VA and I can't freaking wait!!!!

Okay that's about it for now. I wish my mom would get back to me because I just put Tristen down to sleep and would like to go to the gym but I can't because no one else is home. Just got a text from Hanley to join him and Kevin at Otts which sounds like a plan too, but same problem. I'm sure she's going to be out for the whole night, I have a feeling she's at a movie right now. Oh well, I'll see if I can get the treadmill in the garage to work and blast some music...OR TAKE OUT THE CANOE!!!!!!!!!!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "I Use to Get High"~ John Buttler Trio

In the Darkest Times You Shine on Me, You Set Me Free & Keep Me Steady As We Go

2009-02-26T22:09:00.005-05:00

Weird few days. I had the most amazing night and day with Anthony this week....I know I know...I shouldn't be spending time with him until I get my life together, it only makes it harder. But I missed him so much and we kept talking after he came to Sean's match on Saturday so I lapsed a little. He slept over Tuesday night after work and we stayed up way too late making each other laugh and smile. We barely slept but I had a better nights sleep than I have in awhile...I think because I was so cozy cuddled up in his arms. Just feeling his presence next to me changes my mood. But at last, I had to say good bye again and stick with it this time. Its too hard to talk to him and not break down and see him. He brings out the pieces of me I didn't know I had and I suddenly find myself becoming more of the person I strive to be when he's near me. How can I just let that go?

I saw Nana last night and tonight, she's still in ICU but they'll be moving her out tomorrow. Last night was hard because she didn't really know what was going on or that I was even there 1/2 the time. But her mind was still there somewhere inside all the medication and today she was a little bit more with it, she could follow short conversations.

Other than that I'm not sure what else there is. Oh Matt joined my gym so I've been showing him around a little. Tomorrow I'm going to show him upper body and probably push him a little. So far I've showed him around but haven't really pushed him while he's worked out but tomorrow is a fun day for me (I love working on my arms, I'm not really sure why) so I plan on putting him through a little pain. I need to get his ass in gear and HOPEFULLY while doing arms he'll step it up (I've been stronger than him at everything else so far).

I'm trying very hard not to let myself get too down about missing Anthony and turn some of the pain into something good. I have a lot I want to get done and I really need to get my ass in gear if I want that all to happen. In the past 6 months I've done at least a dozen things I've been talking about going for years but kept putting off. This year is my year for change, and I've done a good job so far, but if I'm going to keep things going I need to step it up and take it all to a whole new level. I can't sit here and think about him all day, I need to take care of things, we'll find our way back to each other...then it'll have a real chance because we won't have all the bull shit dragging us down and we'll both (or at least I will) be in better places personally and be able to handle giving more to each other.

That's it, I don't feel like typing anymore. I was doing good until I went to see Nana and now I'm a little sober.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Steady As We Go"~ DMB

A Box of Rain Will Ease the Pain & Love Will See You Through

2009-02-22T14:18:00.004-05:00

I just had the GREATEST work out...but I don't think I'm going to be able to lift up anything for the next few days. I skipped yesterday and did a 1/2 ass job on Friday so I needed to step it up (though I would've like to done more cardio, my body was just too tired). I give Jason a lot of credit because he was talking to me this morning about how his back hurt so bad he fell down in his kitchen and had to craw back to him bed and hasn't been able to leave it since. So I knocked all the weights up a notch and every time I thought I can't take it anymore I thought about how much he would kill to switch places with me and pushed on through. Some how I got to that point where pain didn't hurt anymore and then I was unstoppable!!! It was amazing. Oh god..listen to me...I'm sorry...I'm done!!!!

Yesterday Anthony came to watch my brother wrestle and I ended up having the most amazing day with him. I broke down Friday night and texted him after my brother's match because I knew how much he would enjoy going and this was his last match of the year...maybe ever if he doesn't do tournaments. By no means did I expect him to reply back or even want to come...but he did and it melted my heart. I'm glade he misses me as much as I miss him and I'm not the only one having a hard time with this. Time will heal all that's gone on between us and we'll get to a point where we know it's time to make things happen, I really do believe it now. In the mean time I'm going to miss him every second of every day. There is so much I want to do with him that I'm not too sure I'll get the chance to. Holidays, birthdays, trips, stuff like that. I'm sure he feels the same way but maybe at some point later on we'll have a chance to do all that. So what if this summer I don't get to drag him along to 25 Phillies games with me. Next year I'll make up for it and we'll go to 50 hahaha. That's just the way I have to look at it right now to push on through.

Megan and I ran into Evan the other night again at the Tavern. He's not Mike's twin, in fact Mike is a MUCH better person than this Evan guy ever could be. Granted he's cool and all but he's got A LOT of issues and thinks he's too cool for his own good. And all it took for me to realize this was another few hours of talking to him and a bowl...which always makes me much more insightful.

Megan on the other hand. Wow, girl's CRAZY. I'm a little jealous though I think there are some other things I'd like to try 1st before I branch out in the direction she took haha!!!!

Tristen is doing good. He's napping right now while I type this. God I would love to nap but I took a little one on the sofa this morning while he watched some cartoons so I'd be a bum if I laid back down now. Plus I'd never get to sleep tonight.

It's Sunday and something feels wrong. The weekend passed by in a weird way, parts of it felt like they were the middle of the week and the rest I feel like I wasted away. It's all melting together these days now that I don't get to share them with him. I feel like I've lived a month in the past week because I can't text or call him and share my day, my little quirks, things that make us both laugh. And the short amount of time I spent with him flew by like a dream...

Okay I suppose I should jump in the shower now and talk to my mom about dinner. I have something out for Tristen and I but I don't feel like cooking so maybe I can talk her into taking us out or getting a pizza or something. I'M STARVING!!! Being poor is a good way to loose weight because you don't have enough money to eat!

Peace & Love,
Ash

Current Music: "Box or Rain"~GD

When Everybody Loves You, That's Just About As Fucked Up As You Can Be

2009-02-18T23:49:00.004-05:00

Megan, I'm sorry, I know I know...but I loved him before you ever met him!! I pointed him out to Isaac, Anthony (who totally dug that long black jacket he wears sometimes), you and whoever else is there whenever I see him. But wow, he is even cooler than I thought he'd be. And yes....reminds me SOOOOOOOO much of Mike! The way he talks, his body language, the way he thinks, flirts, smiles, its all some strange trip that I've taken before.

Needless to say I had a BLAST tonight and didn't drink even though I was at a bar all night. Evan is awesome, too bad he has a girlfriend because I would snatch him up soooo fast (only too bad for now...she's taking a trip to Madagascar soon hehehe). The 1st conversation we had, the 1st few words out of his mouth made me blush and that is not easy to do, I don't blush often. I've told Megan before that when I finally do get married it would be to a man that was a woods-y kinda guy, live somewhere remote maybe even off the grid, and work for everything I have. And my god it would someone just like Evan! I can't think of the last time a man made me smile and laugh so much. Of course it was mostly an act, like all men with girlfriends, the thrill is all in flirting but there really isn't anything wrong with that as long as that's all it stays at. But I get to see him tomorrow when I stop up there which makes me happy because he's looking forward to me stopping up!

Other than that my day has been pretty mellow. Tristen and I had lunch at Sal's after I picked him up like we do every Wednesday...this week he wanted a cheese steak instead of a slice of pizza, pain in my butt!!! Then we played and he went down for a nap. I worked out though not as hard as I should have. My muscles are sore and I did a lot of stretching today since my range of motion has gotten worse because I'm doing too much weight training and not stretching afterward. I ran for awhile and did some other cardio until my body gave out. As you saw earlier, I met Meg up at the Tavern later on and hung out, played trivia and fell in love with Evan. Now, well I'm doing this. Probably going to heat up the rest of that cheese steak since the Sweathearts from Iko held me over at the bar but now I'm starving. Then I plan on watching some Conan because he totally turned my mood around last night when I wanted to bash some bitches face in :-). (Okay okay less drinking more smoking these days until I get my aggression back in check!)

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Mr. Jones"~Counting Crows

I'll Go On Forever Only Knowing I'll See You Again

2009-02-17T22:45:00.005-05:00

I had a good work out today. Did arms and TRIED (key word) to run but after 20 min I had to stop because my legs hurt so bad from the day before I couldn't go on. I hate that I should be loosing more weight than I am, I fucking work out hard enough, but I think I'm gaining too much muscle to notice a drop in much weight. And why the fuck is it that the two places I don't want to loose inches from...my ass and chest...I've lost the most. My ass more so because that's all I've really ever had going for me....not fair!

Listened to a lot of DMB today, I miss my obsession for them. I think I need to start that back up again and pay closer attention to my 1st love. Maybe it'll distract me from the rest...wait no...it'll make it worse, I know it will. Dave has a way of touching on every emotion I've ever felt my whole life and playing them out to their extreme. But maybe that's what I need right now.

I cried in a public place today (just a tear or two) because of a talk Megan and I were having about loneliness. How it gets harder each day, not easier. I was telling her about a conversation my mom and I were having Saturday (she was asking me what was going on) and I thought about Christmas Eve, how much fun I had, and the amazing gesture of buying Tristen presents. I think I feel more in love in that moment that I ever had been in my entire life. I dread driving to Matt's house or his parents' because of the way I take and the sights it takes me past, its all too familiar. Today has been a hard day and I miss him terribly. He's everywhere, all the time, and I'm pretty positive I'm no where to him. Because he has someone else to help him through. I hate him for that but I take comfort in the fact that I know how messed up of a person she is after all that's happened in her life and she will not only fuck it up on her own, but he'll realize there is something....many somethings...missing.

I'm too much of a mess to think clearly now. It's times like these when i desperately want to smoke...in fact I think I may know where I have a little. I'll be taking off now and if I get my head back into a comprehendable place then I'll finish this. If not, then this is how it stands...a broken mess not much unlike myself.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "I'll Back You Up"~DMB

So oddly enough I forgot about the smoking thing. I got changed and ready for bed and saw myself in the mirror for a 2nd and man I'm liking how much muscle I have! So what did I do, like some kind of freak (this is all insanely new to me) I grabbed some weights from the garage, put on a more uplifting DMB cd and worked out. Now, more than anything, I'm angry. Whatever pain I was feeling has turned into anger in the matter of a half hour and anger I can work with...I know how to handle anger...I can sleep with anger.

Space Your Face!!!

2009-02-17T17:43:00.002-05:00

Ah I'm a mess with my jewelry recently, which is odd because I don't wear a lot. But yesterday I almost lost one of my earrings...that I never freaking take out so go figure...and my colatta (sp?) ring seems to be missing. I think I know where I may have left it and in that case I'm sure it is being kept safe for me...if it was found? My finger feels naked so I'm resorting back to the ring my dad gave me on my 16th birthday, its fucking BEAUTIFUL and I love it but its a little big on my now and I'm afraid to loose it because it cost so much. I like that my fingers are thinner....now I just need to stop cracking my knuckles!

Peace & love,
Ashlee

Don't Let the Troubles in Your Head Steal Too Much Time, You'll Soon Be Dead

2009-02-16T16:14:00.004-05:00

Does anyone know what tomorrow is? Its the 1st day of full squad training camp for the Phillies!!!! Yes its that time of year again! I was walking outside on Sunday morning and even though it was freezing I could hear a few birds singing, then suddenly this wave of happiness came over me as I realized spring will be here soon...things are already starting to change. The sun was warm today when I hopped in the car and the same feeling washed over me. Like those 1st few days in March when you don't need a jacket anymore even when the wind blows. Or the birds outside in the morning that begin waking you up; you hate them but welcome their return all in the same breath. It was just the feeling I needed to get me through a ruff day (and Sunday was).

You know what else is right around the corner, what spring joyfully brings with it...SHOWS!!!! Two months from now the music begins (though I suppose The Music Never Stops), friends gather, the wheelers and dealers of the world hit the road, girls in skirts and dresses dance around with no shoes on, and boys in tye dye and hemp meet up to celebrate all that is good and peaceful in the world. Am I insane, perhaps, but the sights, sounds, and feelings of the parking lot buzzzzzz before a show are something magically that can't be recreated in any other form.

Okay, okay, enough is enough of all that. My day, let's see. Tristen woke up rather early this morning but was okay with hopping in bed with me and cuddling for an extra hour which was the perfect way to start the day. We got up around 8 and ate some waffles together before watching a little bit of tv. Then we read a couple of books and I tickled him to death....well to the point of almost peeing haha...before Matt came over and we all wrestled around for a bit. I got ready to head to the gym while Matt was packing up his stuff and trying to get shoes on the rug rat when Tristen began harassing me about my "chocolate milk" which was the protein shake I made. I let him try it and the damn kid drank half the thing on me. I guess the next step is to bring him to the gym with me to start working out hahahaha (Anthony, if you ever happen to come across this, don't get any ideas about bringing my son to work out)!!

I texted Megan before I left to let her know I was heading up, not thinking she was going to come, and to my surprise she hopped on the treadmill next to me while I was warming up. She worked out with me for a little bit, I was doing legs for the 1st time since I wrecked my caffs early last week. Worked out pretty hard before I went over to do some cardio on the leg lift thingy....I have no clue what its called...the stair machine? I killed myself on that but it felt soooooo good. As I was walking out I ran into Scott and after talking to him for 20 mins I figured I might as well walk on the treadmill next to him and do something. We sat there (well not sat so much as walked) for another half hour until my legs we ready to fall off (I'm fairly sure I burned twice as many calories as I consumed that morning and I was HUNGRY). Its scary but, I understand now how you can get stuck there for hooooours. Came home, ate, and now I'm doing this when I should be showering but I think Sean is in there so it could be another hour until I get a chance to clean myself up.

My plans for the rest of the day, you ask. Trying my hardest not to pick off this red nail polish that's been on for only two days and is already driving me nuts (though my nails really do look nice and I'm excited that I can wear nail polish on them again). Dinner tonight over at Matt's with Tristen, pizza is on the menu, and then some reading. I need to finish up The Historian, it's taking me forever and I'm falling behind on my book goal for the year. Next up is the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test and follow by Dante's Inferno. After that I have about 30 other books I want to read. Every time I knock one off my list I add 5 more. Or I'll start reading one that isn't on there, it's never ending.

I'm doing better today than I was yesterday. Yesterday was a day that feel into a sort of routine and this being the 1st week out of it, I had a hard time adjusting. Just a sign that things really are different, he really isn't a part of my life anymore. But I wanted to keep myself busy today and I've done a good job of that so far. I've also been loosing myself in quite a bit of Dave (no I don't have to say his last name, you know who he is so don't give me a hard time about just calling him "Dave") and that's really helped me through.

Okay I'm going to try to kick Sean out of the shower. I'd love to take a bath, my back and sides still hurt from Saturday's work out and my legs will no doubt be useless by the end of the day. I'm starting to get use to being sore all the time. I kind of like it now, is there something wrong with me?

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "You Never Know"~ DMB

But My Faith Has Got Me Bound To Your Grey Blue Eyes

2009-02-15T18:07:00.007-05:00

Did I really only post two blogs last year? Wow this thing use to be my therapy and now I never even look at it let alone post anything. I've been feeling more shut off recently, really don't feel the need to branch out to other people so once again I'm turning to the one outlet that has always proven to be effective, THIS. Perhaps its just the fact that its winter and everyone is hybernating, or maybe its just where life has brought me but I'm feeling more secluded recently and like it. Am I being neglectful of my friends? I don't know, maybe I am, but if they're true friends they'll understand, I just want to be alone for awhile.

I suppose, if I'm going to begin this all again, I should give a slight recaps since my last post. The Isaac thing didn't really work out. We had a ton of fun and I really like being around him but that spark just wasn't there (we still hang out though). In the mean time, I fell in love with someone. We got a ruff start and weren't meant to work from the beginning because of it all, plus that fact that I wasn't ready to give him the type of relationship I wanted, it all became a mess. The last few months with him have been some of the happiest I've had and he makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time...or ever in some cases. He's incredible, smart, witty, bold, stubborn, sweet, and has a smile that has changed my life. I look at the world differently because of him and didn't even realize it. Everyday is something new, there is always something I want to talk to him about, he can make me laugh for no reason, and everything he does excites me. I've never felt the way I feel about him when he looks into my eyes. But, at last, it can't work. Not quite yet. The things I want with him I'm not ready to give, I don't have my own shit together enough to give that much of myself to someone else. But I want to try and perhaps when him and I cross paths again it'll be the right time. We both decided it was best to stop seeing each other until then since it was getting messy and the bull shit would only wear down at whatever chances we have at making it work. Not an easy choice by any means but the right one.

So needless to say I miss Anthony, a ton. Each day is harder than the day before, I thought it was suppose to work the other way around. I miss sharing my day with him and hearing about his. I miss out conversations about everything and though there are times that I completely disagree with him and he can drive me insane, I unknowingly love him a little more in those moments because of his honestly and boldness. I wouldn't love him if he was anyone else and thought any differently than he does. I can't even begin to get into how amazing he is, that would be all this blog was ever about. And honestly it hurts a little too much right now to think of all the things he has done for me....and my little one. (Yes of course on top of it all he has been amazing to Tristen....he even bought him Christmas presents and helped wrap them and put them under the tree from Santa. He understands completely that Tristen comes 1st 100% of them time and fell in love with him the 1st time he met him.)

What else is there to update on (I really must stop talking about Anthony because its making me miss him that much more). I joined a gym a few weeks ago, something Ive been meaning to do for awhile but my meat head love helped persuade me to do it right. I work out about 5-7 times a week and I'm really starting to feel good. I've lost a little weight but have put on a lot of muscle already and I'm pretty excited about how much my endurance has improved in such a short time. Today I missed my work out because I napped while Tristen did since I didn't get to sleep til late last night and didn't have a very restful one when I did lay down. When he woke up we meet my friend Jack and his 3 year old son at the park in Medford to play for awhile, then grabbed some dinner together. We had a really good time, though the kids are still warming up to each other, and I can't wait to do it again. I need more parent friends and him and I have a lot in common when it comes to our back stories (involving the evolution of our family lives) and the way we parent our sons.

Tristen is doing good, smart as hell, drives me nuts sometimes but that's what kids are suppose to do to their parents. He is a really good kid and so loving, you can't help but adore him whether your family or not. Matt and I aren't doing too bad. Its messy at times but I can't expect it not to be. We've been doing a lot more family things recently which is nice. Though he never comes over here anymore which he use to a lot, I only ever go over there. It all works in phases I suppose.

Megan and I are still best friends though its been a little ruff recently. We've both been in down swings and its a little hard on the friendship. I worry about the fact that she goes to the Marlton Tavern every night (mainly for the company and to escape her home life instead of working on finding a new sense of normal with it) and I have been hiding away. We both are trying to get by the best we can I suppose, just choose different ways of doing it and I happen to not like hers. I'm not a fan of the boys she's been going after or the choices she makes when it comes to men in general but I'm not perfect and have made a mess of my love life in the past so I can't judge in the least bit.

I haven't seen Jenna since Christmas, even longer since I've seen Mike and Steph and I haven't been in touch since September, I think. Part of that is my fault, I've been secluded or branching out to different people, and the rest is just the way life goes. Hopefully I'll see Mike sometime this week and I need to catch up with Jenna soon since I bailed on her birthday party after having an awful anxiety attack.

Well, that will be all for now. There will be many more posts in the near future...

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Grey Blue Eyes"~ Dave Matthews

2008-01-02T12:52:00.001-05:00

So I could be standing on the brink of something great. Something that Ive wanted for as long as I can remember but Im terrified

Been Talking Alot About Less & Less & Forgetting The Love We Bring

2007-11-26T14:04:00.001-05:00

Another ruff week at my new home. My mom and brother got into a massive blow up that is ending in him moving in with my grandparents for a month...maybe forever..but Id like to think that this is all going to blow over. But I understand where my brother is coming from with all this and Im not sure how Im going to be able to survive there with it being just me and her. Helping Sean, getting close to him again and opening him up so he can start working through some of his issues was one of the few upsides to moving back home. This all has me a little jaded toward my mom right now. It brings up a lot of past anger and issues that I cant really ever work through with her because she thinks she is always right and she has a way of COMPLETELY forgetting the wrongs in her past.

So my anxiety is the worst its been in years. When my mom walks around and hits certain floor boards above my head I get sick...just thinking she is going to come down the stairs. And I really dont have anything to fear or hide, its just the result of years of conditioning. The fact that she likes to barge in my room to start fights with me when shes fighting with my brother doesnt help either. This anxiety is killing me though. It has me locked up, has stolen my motivation and has me edgy and nervous ALL the time...except when Im sleeping. If me living there is ever going to work out then I NEED to go on some kind of anti anxiety medication...because lord knows I cant handle it on my own will...its sucking away all my energy.

My friendship with Mike is coming along nicely and Im really excited for what the future holds on that front. My feelings with Steve keep going back-n-forth. I have a great time hanging out with him, he friends are great, and I am really starting to look forward to seeing him as much as I can...but its not complete. Everything is so black-n-white with him and he doesnt understand that some people see more shades of grey then others. He says he doesnt ever let things bother him but thats a problem because when you act like that it involves a certain level of denial and locking things up tight. And when you do that they are bound to come out in time in an unhealthy or chaotic way...which they do when he's been drunk. But being drunk he cant sort through them and they get locked back up the next morning...so nothing is ever resolved. I cant have a relationship with someone like that because it just not healthy...they're not healthy. So Im still working on sorting my feelings out on that end.

I ended up hearing from Chris again, even after that text I mistakenly sent to him so that was a nice surprise. We hung out this past weekend and had a good time but Im still weird about all that too. Im not too sure how I feel about him right now because I havent really seen or hung out with him much. But I really would like to hang out with him more and spend more time getting to know him because the one night we did get deep into it I had a blast.

Saturday I went up to Champps and hung out with Steph, had a few more drinks then I wanted to, but ended up having a blast. Her and I always have so much fun when we're together, but why wouldnt we. We were like sisters once and a bond like that fade even when life takes you in different directions. I love her to death and Im really happy to have her back in my life. But back to Saturday, some of her friends met us up at Champps and once it became a social thing is when the drinks started to really flow. One of her boys had been talking me up all night, Im sure because I was an easy target being the only other girl in the group....well besides Steph's girl who was a sloppy mess and didnt improve any when she started drinking lol. He was a really sweet kid though so I didnt mind talking to him, we had some pretty interesting conversations. He gave me a ride home since Steph was drunk and there is no way I wouldve been able to give her directions home from my house with how she is with trying to find her way around the "M" towns. Plus Ryan knows this area a little bit better and I didnt have to worry about him getting lost getting there or leaving. We exchanged numbers and I guess we'll see what happens, maybe Ill see him again!

And thats about it!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Althea"~Grateful Dead

Update...sorta

2007-11-21T18:56:00.000-05:00

Ive been in a rather weird mood recently...for a lot of reasons. My relationship with Mike is a little strained at this point. There is a lot going on with both of us and we are still working on finding a new normal....sometimes I feel like the fact that we talk about EVERYTHING makes it worse...or brings more of the stress to the surface. We just need some time away from each other to rebuild the rest of our lives without the distraction of our messy friendship.

Things with Chris are a mess....I cant even get into that but whatever. If he gets ahold of me to hang out again then we will but I dont think that is going to be the case...there's no way we're going to be anything but friends.

Steve and I are still hanging out and having a ton of fun. Im really starting to like this guy...a lot. I think he's there too but after we had that whole taking it down a step talk things have been a little weird and we dont talk about our feelings for each other. But the other night he asked me if we were exchanging x-mas presents which led to a little talk about us and we both agreed that neither of us are ready to date and do the family introductions. For some reason Ive really missed him today even though we hung out last night. Ok I cant type anymore cause the little one is running around.

Peace,
Ashlee

WOW

2007-11-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

I TOTALLY TAKE BACK WUT I SAID ABOUT THE BIRDS...THEY CAME BACK AND WON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Both Say That We Never Before Have Felt As Recently

2007-11-11T15:41:00.000-05:00

Watching the birds is making me angry....wtf is wrong with them this year...beside the obvious...McNABB!!! So I'll blog instead to take my mind off that last fumble that may cost them the game.

Had a pretty good weekend. Friday I went with 5 other ppl to Chickie's & Pete's for the Preston and Steve Totally Office Calender release party to get a free copy of the calender, get it signed by the crew and support our girl Christy who is the cover!!!! We had a pretty good time there and afterwards we headed to PJs for a few more drinks (they were all pretty buzzed after C&P...lucky me I was the DD :-(.) Hung out there for an hour or so and get a few beers before driving everyone home. Drive my buddy Chris Long home last (who I havent see since April) and we chatted for a few hours outside his place about relationship and stuff (he just broke up with his g/f of 3 years around the time Matt and I broke up). Right before I left we had a little moment and I thought he was going to make his move and kiss me but I guess he was just a little shy. We were going to hang out last night too but I ended up never hearing from him so I dunno...Im not going to worry about any of that, if it was something that should happen it will.

I had a nice lunch with Steph Carter at Fridays yesterday, I really need to spend more time with her. Ive been working on expanding my friends and keeping in better touch and so far Im proud of how well Im doing. Last night Kelsey stopped by and hung out while I got ready and waited for my plans to come to...which they never did. We ended up just grabbing some beer, listening to music and a drinking game with cards later on when Steve stopped by. After she took off him and I crashed out for a bit and I woke up the next morning and he had taken off...he was going surfing early today so he must have left around 5 or so to get ready to go.

Just me, Tristen, and Uncle Sean hanging out today watching football and then Tristen and I are going to Fridays to get some dinner with Matt. Laying low tonight, like last night, and just watching the late games at home. TOMORROW night on the other hand Im going to the Marlton Tavern with Mike to have a few "pops", catch up, and watch the game. I am PUMPED because there is a bunch I wanna catch up with him. AND Jenna, who has been bugging me about meeting him for awhile now, is going to meet us up there later on! I am reeeeally excited for my two bestests to meet and pick each others brains. I know that Jenna is going to love Mike because she loves me and he is a lot like me. Its been awhile since Ive spent a good amount of one on one time with Mike and he's my favorite person in this world to hang out with so of course Im stoked. Ill post how it goes!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Recently"~DMB

Say What YouWant, Say What You Mean...Question Yourself, Are You Really What You Seem?

2007-11-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

Hm I've let a little too much time go by since I've logged on here last. Too much to dive into at the moment but things are going down a good path right now. I moved out of the condo a week or so ago and Im living with my mom again, which is stressful but the best choice for me right now. I've bene out to sea and its time to find my island and my mom will really help motivate me...aka kick me in the ass...so i can get that done.

Working on things with Matt is a 2 steps forward, 1 step back process. Just when we get to a good place between us I allow slip ups and then he starts getting protective and attached again. Its rather strange but as I was typing that I got a view into some one else's head for a second and a greater understanding of a situation. Huh that was a nice little moment of clarity.

Ive been hanging out with Jenna Gags a lot again, I missed her. We had a falling out the end of last year and had started to put things our friendship back together this spring but hadnt seen or talked to her too much over the summer (which is always the case because ppl are so busy doing their own things). But recently we've been going out a lot together and having our good old heart to hearts. I missed her. Ive had girl friends that I can open up to and talk stuff over with, but never as complete and deep as Jenna...partly because she has such an insight into my past but mostly because she knows my character so damn well. Needless to say its been GREAT having her back around!!!

Still hanging out with Steve here and there. Things are kinda of weird on that front to say the least. I let him know a few weeks back exactly where I stood on my feelings with him a couple weeks ago and he didnt take that too well....turned into a dick and stopped talking to me for awhile...but I was only trying to be fair. He was really getting into me and I didnt want him to think this was going some place I had no intention on letting it get to. But we've started to hang out again here and there, trying to keep the conversation light because when it comes to deep shit he cant handle it. The kid has 1 level and when he starts to crack into deeper stuff he turns into a mess in every way you can think of. He just isnt a soul searcher simply because he just cant handle it. Which is fine, not everyone needs to be...but I need some one who is...

Met Jesus on Halloween at Landmark...lmao and he loves me. Enough said on that one...

Went to Landmark again last night with Jenna because she was trying to meet up with this kid Ryan she likes. I like him a lot, I think the two of them are an awesome match and its not often I approve of the guys she cares to spend her time with. We hung out with Joe Scialabbo last night who is suuuuuuuch a hottie and was eying me up last time we were at Landmark...thats until his drunk friend tried putting his tongue down my throat. Jenna bet me I wouldnt kiss him by the end of the night so being the way I am (I hate loosing) I took her up on it and won. The kid is a gooood kisser! I know Ill see him around so we'll see what happens with that....maybe Ill beat Jenna out on him (loooong story, the comment is really just for my own personal enjoyment).

Lets see Im going out to dinner with Mike tonight and Im pretty excited for that. Ive only ever gone out with him once and it was to breakfast back in June, I think. And beside the Ratdog concert and Infinity Front shows we only ever hung out in his condo or on the job. We have a lot of catching up to do and I miss seeing his face around so it should be a good night.

Ok I gotta take off, Im meeting my mom at Target to pick up some stuff for me at her place...

Peace
Ashlee

Current Music: "Hey...Hey..."~Dispatch

Speak With Wisdom Like A Child, Directly To The Heart

2007-10-19T20:31:00.000-04:00

Hung out with Mike last night and had a great conversation about some really deep life issues, gave me some amazing insight. We didnt get into stuff with us so much, we got into that a little bit more the night before then this past one, but its all stuff that will come up in time. Neither one of us know whats going on and where our boundries lie so I think we're just trying to feel out whats going on and then we'll talk about where things are going. But neither of us are rushing anything because of the chaos going on we wont be able to give it everything we want to. So are we dating? I DONT KNOW! Im not going to see anyone else and neither is he...but does that mean we're dating? I dont think it does but this is a question to be answered in future conversations.

Still have to talk to Steve, I dont see that ending in a good way at all!

Going to PJs tonight with Jenna for a girls night and I cant wait!!!!! Its been too long since her and I had a girls night and we always have fucking blast...tonight will be nothing different!!!!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Foolish Heart"~Grateful Dead

His Job Is To Shed Light, Not To Master

2007-10-18T14:29:00.001-04:00

Things are still slightly crazy but are beginning to calm down a lot...thank god. Ive started to pack up some stuff and move it over my moms, I'm guessing the big stuff Ill move this weekend or try to...my shoulder has been hurting and I can't lie anything top heavy at the moment. But as nervous as I am, I'm also excited for the change...I need to get my life back on track and this is the 1st step in doing so.

Guy wise things have been ALL over the place. Mike and I hit a real rocky patch in our friendship last week and after I maxxed out on Thursday I turned a corner with everything with us and found myself in a good place. A sad fucked up place because I thought I needed to let go of any chance of us being anything more and just except that our time in the sun is over, but it was a healthy place because I was starting to except that things were heading there. Things with Steve had started to get as little serious and he kept going back-n-forth between wanting to be exclusive and not which was drama I didn't need. We went out Monday and he decided that's what he wanted, which was fine with me because I'm certainly not going to see anyone else so whatever. And then last night he went the other way on the issue, which I pushed once he cracked it open. But lets go over last night since that's when things really took a weird hop and spun me out a little.

I met Steve up at Otts around 9 or so, he was hanging out with one of his bestest and his girl and they were doing trivia. So I sat down, said hi, and hopped in on the trivia game since knowing nothing about everything is a specialty of mine. I guess I was being pretty out going, cracking out of my shy little shell, and Steve's friend was loving me...invited me to a Halloween party and everything and told Steve he had no choice, if he wanted to bring someone else he couldn't come lol. I wasn't in the bar for long when my text went off. I figured it was Matt saying something about being safe or whatever so I flipped the phone open, not minding that Steve was over my shoulder reading it. Well it wasn't from Matt, it was from Mike and it was kinda personal. Enough to get to Steve (I told him straight up about what went on with Mike and I) and understandable so. That's a good part of what sparked the convo about being less serious once his friend left the bar. We went back to Barton Run, smoked a jay, and talked a little bit and in my altered state I gain vast clarity on the issue of him and I. He was being weird and kept bringing up the Mike thing, which he's been doing since he found out in a mean sort of way, I saw how a lot of what he does is an act, he's insecure and not at all open to the differences in people around him. Like my music, WHENEVER we're in the car and the Dead are on, I get shit from him...a ton! I HATE THAT!!!! I think my passion for the Dead rocks and you don't need to be into the music to appreciate the way it effects the people it does. After I left there I came home and ended up stopping down to see Mike. We had been sending a few texts back-n-forth throughout the night and he really just needed to see me and give me a hug, which I can appreciate because I was in that state last week. We ended up cuddling up on this sofa in the most relaxing bear hug for an hour...maybe?...might have been longer. He straight up fell asleep like that at one point. We talked a little bit, just about the small stuff in life, didn't feel like jumping into the bigger things we need to tackle at the moment right then and there..it was a time to just relax. And then he kissed me and all the knots in my stomach disappear and I felt completely at easy. Ive been having dreams every night for a week now about curling up in his arms on his sofa and kissing him...and it was just like my dream haha. Some how my heart knew where things were going but my head couldn't have been further off target...my heart wins though, it always does.

Needless to say I'm dropping back down there tonight because we need to talk more but last night was perfection. It was exactly what we needed to reconnect after all the chaos in our lives has pulled us apart. Hands down the best few hours Ive spent with him so far. We were able to rebuild so much and say so little...and I couldn't be happier with how this is playing out. Lets see if I still feel the same way after I come home tonight. I'm anxious as hell and have knots in my stomach but he tells me theres no need to worry, just need to talk about our growth...which we really do...I'm just nervous about where that growth is going to take us and the conclusions we'll come to. We always end back up at that whole "friends for now, maybe something later" mind set and its not been working. There are some deep things that need to be addressed and the out come is either amazing or devastating...so of course I'm fucking nervous as shit!!!

maxxed out on the typing thing!!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Terrapin Station"~Grateful Dead

We All Have Something That Digs At Us...

2007-10-10T16:28:00.000-04:00

Things are still insanely crazy around here. Im going to be mocing out of here before too much longer. Im going home with my mom and she is going to make some adjustments to the house for me because, well its obviously going to be a long term thing. Moving is going to be a nightmare but its a much needed change in my life and I went from beign fearful and nervious to pumped and ready to tackel this new part of my life.

Im in a strange place in my head right now. There is a lot going on and my bi-polar has snuck up on me and taken me over and its effecting a lot of parts of my life. But Im happy to say that Im working hard not to let it effect my little one and so far ive done a good job of it. It is effecting my friendship with Mike though but what I dig about him so much is the fact that he knows me so well that even as hes having a hard time figuring out where I stand one min to the next because of my swings, he knows why and he can read the demonds that are eating at me. We've been texting back-n-forth all day and though Im rather fustrated with him its because he's telling me what I need to hear but dont want to. There is no one else I know that can offer the complete insight that he does in a way that I can take in without too much offense....Im open to what he has to say because his intensions are pure and never from a mean or hurtful place. People just dotn work like that. Even when he's pissed everything comes from a calm caring place. Just another thing that drives me wild...another attraction I have to push to the back of my head and ice over in my heart if I ever want to continue a friendship with him.

So needless to say there is a lot in myself I need to work but I can only conquer one thing at a time and relationships and how I am when it comes to men is not the 1st on my list.

But speaking of men, one of the things Mike and I got into is this kid steve Ive been hanging out with. I dig this kid a lot. We have a blast when we hang out and he makes me smile and laugh more then I have in a long time. Im weird and he'll never completely get me, which Im not really looking for at the moment...Ive found some one who gets me and I know that is only going to come around a few times in my life...but he is what I need...an escape. Is it wrong? Yeah I guess it is...but he knows where I stand so I dont see why I cant hang out with him a little bit longer. If things get complicated and messy then we'll have a talk and decided where to go from there. But I cant do what needs to be done right now, I dont want to and Im too focused on other things at the moment. Ruff and mentally thats all I have the energy to jump into!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Dig"~Incubus

Cuz I Love What I Love And I Want It That Way

2007-10-03T23:34:00.000-04:00

Im moving out and moving back in with my mom. Sucks I know but its been something in the works for some time now, I just havent had the courage to do it and the events of last night (aka Matt following me around barton run, hiding in woods, lying, ect) were the last little push I needed. Its not going to be easy to give up my freedom and independence but its whats healthiest for me in the long run, and it gives me a chance to save money, get my life back on track, and have a more stable support system so the trade is even. I hate moving more then anything and Im not looking forward to not only rounding up all my shit, packing, and unpacking it but separating whats mine from whats now Matts and breaking down Tristens things as well. Its like a divorce without the cost and the paper work. Sure I have had my weak moments but in the end Im doing the right thing and Im going to be ok.

A lot of stuff going on at once. Mike and I have started to hang out again a little. Sunday and Monday nights I went over to watch the game and hang out and had a blast. I get the biggest high off just being around him and talking abou life with him. He is a big part of why Im going to miss this place so much, just being near him fills me with new life and Im not so sure how things are going to be once Im gone. Im sure he pumped about it being just Matt upstairs now lol. But the last time we hung out much have really effected him because he has been in a very weird stand off-ish mode, which I recognize and I know its partial driven by whats going on between him and I. More then anything I would love a friend to talk to, some one to lean on and he is the only one Ive been able to turn to for a long time now but he's doing the right thing and has been pushing me away. As much as I hate it I know he's doing it because I need to depend on myself and no one else to pull through and he's trying to be fair to me. A hard lesson but one I know I need to learn. I admire him a lot for his ability to depend on himself to pull through tough times because your not always going to have people around to turn to and you cant fall apart when thats the case.. Still Im frustrated and a little resentful for the way he went about saying it...but he also brought it up at a bad time so thats a big part of it.

Other news, Ive been hanging out with this kid Steve a lot recently. I met him 3 1/2 weeks ago at the River Deck when I went with Jenna and Jen. We ran into a friend from high school, Mario, and Steve was there with him so while Jen and Mario chatted it up I got to know Steve. We really hit it off that night and have been hanging out ever since. All man we've had some crazy times so far and some pretty freaking funny stories...but it also has been kind of ruff because I like this kid a lot, as he does me but he's been hurt before and is scared to put too much out there too fast, except when he has a heavy buzz going. And after the last time he spilled to me a week ago he realized that Im not in a place where I can return the commitment he wants to give to me because of where I stand in my life at the moment. It sucks and it shut him down a little but it was easier for him to come to the realization then for me to have to sit down and I have a talk with him. We're still hanging out though, we have a really awesome connection and he can make me smile in an instant. We'll see. I dont think things can really go anywhere, though there is a chance of them getting a little bit more serious once I move in with my mom because he lives a block away from her...but my heart still belongs to Mike. And sure Mike and I have been waiting for me to stop living with Matt til we started things up but its still going to take some time because I have a lot of things I want to get in order 1st, I want the dust to settle and have everything back on track so I can give a relationship with him 100% of the energy it needs. And that is months away from happening. So it might sound wrong but Im having a lot of fun hanging out with Steve in the mean time. I dont want to break this kids heart but he has a pretty good guard up...one that could be torn down if thats the direction I want to go in but I dont so Im going to let it be.

Lots of other stuff to get into but Im only going after so much at once...I didnt mean for the post gap to become this big.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Help on the Way"~ Grateful Dead

Built To Last While Years Roll Past...

2007-09-20T13:30:00.000-04:00

Things have been a slight train wreck recently. Matt and I need to sit down and have a major talk tonight. To tell you the truth Im just about talked out. Ive taken a deep look at myself and know where I need to improve myself and where I need to work on things with Matt, but I dont feel like its anything I need to dive into with Matt. I no longer feel the need to share whats going on inside myself with Matt, we dont have that mutual trust and exchange of information any more. Im secure enough with myself that I know my plan is exactly what needs to be done for me and I dont need anyone elses approval or input on the matter. Emotionally I have a very hard battle ahead of me but I know that when things get too ruff I have my family to turn to and I also have my best friend when things get really ruff and I need someone to level me out. It sucks that a good portion of my support system only cause more problems and turmoil with Matt but it helps me suck it up and handle this on my own better.

Other areas of my life have been a wreck too. Im not in a place yet where I feel like I can hang out with guys, but Ive been trying to and its blowing up in my face. In fact I have two guys at the moment I need to have a nice talk with about where things arent going to lead. The one I really do like and the other one just came about but I let them both know right off the bat whats going on in my life as far as Matt and I go and the break up but I think there are still some things that need to be put in check. With Chris even more so because I think he is falling for me pretty hard and Ive heard things of the same nature from his boys. I dont really see whats so special about me that once I start hanging out with a guy he wants so much more from me. If you ask me Im a mess, Im weird, I have a lot of levels (most of which people cant handle and there fore will never see), Im complicated, but Im good at faking my way through and I guess because of this Im also good at making guys feel what they want to feel when they're with me. Its not something Im proud of and didnt really realize I could do until a few days ago. I think its best described in the lyrics of Sugar Magnolia...but come to think of it Ive always known I was sugar magnolia.

So speaking of me being a dead head, I hung out earlier this week with my favorite dead head. It was nice relaxing with him and just talking about our lives and not our lives. Though we did dive into that at the end but didnt let it get too deep, more on the light joking happy side of things. He let me know that everything he has ever said to me has been completely true, which I didnt need to reinforce, I trust him completely and he feelings have always been pretty clear to me. At one point when we were talking a little bit about whats going on with Matt and he was helping me see things from him point of view, he talked about how he's been in Matt shoes many times and how all the woman he has ever loved have fallen out of love with him. (Which I already know because Ive heard tons about his past loves). But he started off by saying "I know all too well what he's feeling being all 3 woman who have ever had my heart...well 4...had fallen out of love with me". So that sent a little flutter through me, being the 4th...being another great love in his life because he is certainly one in mine. So maybe in a few years down the line when Ive gotten some of the craziness of my life out of the way, when Im out on my own and almost finished fighting my way through school we'll get to dive into that love and see whats there. In the mean time I can live my life in happiness just knowing its there.

...Like cloudscapes in the sky
Show me something built to last
Or something built to try

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Built To Last"~Grateful Dead

When There Was No Dream Of Mine, You Dreamed Of Me

2007-09-15T14:37:00.000-04:00

Im in a weird place at the moment. Stuff is flying around all over the place and Im having a hard time tying it down. A little too much on my plate right now and Im not putting enough energy toward certain things. But Im working on it.

Had a good talk with Mike on Thursday, sadly I was so wasted off wine from dinner with Matts parents that I dont remember much of it. But what I do remember was just what needed to be talked about and cleared up. It sucks...a lot...but you cant help what you feel and who it happens to be...and my feelings have been there from the beginning and wont be going away anytime soon...sucks for me. We'll be able to get our friendship back on track which is what Im looking forward to the most since its kind of been pushed to the side since all of this came about. Maybe in time we'll be able to start hanging out again like we once did...because I miss that a lot.

Last night I went out to PJs with Matt and it ended a little weird. Started off having a great time just the two of us talking and hanging out. We got a few drinks in us and were about to go out on the dance floor when I glance across the bar and see Chris standing there looking at me. I ran over and said hi, was a little shooked to see him since he worked a 24 hour shift and I thought he was going to go home and crash for the night...otherwise I wouldve hung out with Matt tonight instead of last. So that whole thing turned weird real quick because I was there with Matt, wasnt about to ditch him, but wanted to hang out and dance with Chris. But I tried to make the best of it and went out on the floor with Matt for a bunch of songs. Danced for awhile, ran into TONS of cherokee 04 ppl...danced with a few of them as well...and was having a good time. Then Chris walked by Matt and I a few times while we were dancing, Im sure on purpose, and that shook me up a little. I was dwelling on it, it got weird and I just needed to get out of that. So Matt ended up leaving and I figured Id stay and hang out with Chris and dance for awhile. He was too tired to dance though, but I did dance with his friend Mike a bit and this kid from Cherokee....fuck I cant think of his name but oddly enough I hated him in high school lol. I kept loosing Chris and at one point after finding him for maybe 2 min before he ran off to the bathroom and never came back I called up Matt to come pick me up. The night was weird all around and even if I stayed longer the whole thing with Matt wouldve been on my mind, my night was already crashed and it was time to go home. So Matt and hung out, watched friends, and made some food and called it a night. Chris had tried to call me a few times to hang out later on but never answered when I called him back a few mins later so I dont know what was going on there.

Things are really weird with this kid. At 1st, with how it all started to go down, I thought he was a casual thing...in fact I didnt think I would heard from him again after the 1st night we hung out. But the more time I spend with him the more I see how much he really likes me. Sure I like him, he's so cute and we have a fun time together but we're really not into the same things and I just feel that awesome connection...not that Im looking for that right now but things just arent going any where with us...which works for me...but I think he wants them to go somewhere. He told me the other night that he hasnt slept with anyone since him and his ex of 4 year broke up a year and a half ago and Im the 1st girl he's met that hasnt been crazy and he enjoys spending time with. Which is nice, weird that there hasnt been any flings in between because he is so fucking cute and shouldnt have any problem picking up girls, but thats fine. He is always telling me Im beautiful, which is nice to hear but Im not looking to be romanced and it freaks me out more than anything. I cant get into everything but some of the stuff is pretty private but just the way he interacts with him, I think he is looking for more then Im willing to give him. But its too soon and too weird to have that conversation with him, if it comes up we;ll talk about otherwise Im not bringing it up. I am soooooooooooo tired of talking about emotions and feelings because of everything else going on, that I just dont care to talk about it with this kid and if he does start to fall for me then Ill talk to him when he says something...but Im not worried about that being the case, he seems to have a good head on him.

Ugh in the mean time thats just the tip of my male bullshit. Guy Forte has it in for me too and thats freaking me out. He came to Landmark with Jenna and I a week ago and we had fun talking and dancing but when he made a move and kissed me I was done with the night. He's a nice guy but Ive never and never will be able to look at him as anything more. But he suddenly wants to hang out and is texting me to get together for drinks and "see what happens" so he is obviously one I need to sit down and straighten out!!! Because I see things with him getting messy and weird real fast.

So that brings me to the last one....Rich. I had an awesome time with him last weekend and we really do have a great connect, which is easy to see since Id gotten comments from a a few people about whether or not we're more than just friends. Truth be told Ive been thinking about him for a few years now. Once and awhile Id have dreams about him over the years and when we were kids, around the time he moved, I started to have a crush on him. And sure when we hung out in April I felt something between us but I was with Matt and he had a girlfriend of 2 years. But things are different now, we're both single and had a great time hanging out last week...and back in April...and I kind of wonder if things could lead somewhere. Id thought about flirting and cluing him in on how I felt but he JUST broke up with his girlfriend and is a weird place, it just wouldnt be right to do that. And besides Id like to hang out with him more and not scare him off. It be kind of cool if after all these years we ended up together but thats not how life plays out lol. On top of that we started talking about relationships and stuff and Im not so sure him and I would be able to connect in that way. But truth be told Im not really looking to go down that road at the moment so Im more then happy to continue a friendship with him and if things lead there then they will. But I know Im not crazy and I felt something between us....and like I said it was seen by others as well. Ok Im done typing.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Attics of My Life"~Grateful Dead

There Are Times When I Can Help You Out & Times That You Must Fall

2007-09-12T16:23:00.000-04:00

Here's whats wrecking my mind at the moment...

After a couple texts back-n-forth this morning about strange dreams the two of us have had about each other in the we got into some deeper stuff...like the fact that he is getting vibes from me that I want something more then just friendship with him. To which my reply is; of course I do, I'm insanely attracted to him in every way one person can be to another but its not really something I'm banking on happening. Matt isn't even an issue in this though. I have a lot in my own head I have to clear out and things I need to do for myself before I have time to put toward something else. My energy is going toward TOO many things as it is, a relationship is not something that fits in at the moment. I also want to spread my wings and fly a little. I need time to venture out and have fun, build friendships and meet guys, I'm just getting back into that and I'm really no where near ready to give that up....I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP! And lastly, age. As much as its not a factor when we're hanging out having a good time, I think it would be if things were more then that, and not just from outside places but in the way we would interact as a couple. I have MUCH to learn and if the dating card was on the table and I didn't feel like I had grown enough to have the relationship with him I want to have, then Id turn it down. Not easy to do I know but if we ever get a shot at it I dint want to do into it with marks against us from the start...I want everything to be lines up. So that being said I'm a freaking about this conversation that he wants to have. I know where I stand, I think most of it is that he doesn't and he's a little worried. But I'm also wondering if he's come to terms with everything that's happened and is trying to nicely let me down without breaking my heart. At the same time he's not a game player and wouldn't have told me all the things he did weeks ago unless he was overwhelmed with those feelings....and he cant stop feeling like that over night. Wow this actually calmed me down. My stomach was in knots and after going through and thinking about what's been going on I'm not as nervous about this talk he wants to have. I am really looking forward to going down there and spending some time with him...no matter what it is we talk about. I didn't think I was going to be seeing him...well hanging out with him (of course I freaking see him almost everyday)...for awhile.

What I really think about where our friendship stands is something I do want to talk with him about. I understand we really cant hang out much alone...his condo is a bad place for us to be ESPECIALLY at night when one of us has a buzz going, but if we're friends why cant we hang out from time to time and do friend stuff. Like grab a drink at a bar or stuff like that? I think we should, in fact I would like to try to hang out with him once every few weeks so we can talk and catch up and keep the friendship going....which is hard to go through texts when you use to spend 5+ days a week together talking about everything going on in each other's lives. That sounds reasonable right? And hanging out in a public place is the best idea anyway...so that settles it I'm bringing that up.

Ok thanks for the outlet!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Build To Last"~Grateful Dead

I'M

2007-09-11T20:46:00.000-04:00

DONE....so very done!!!! Ive been trying to keep up friendships with people that just dont seem to care on their end...which is fine....fustrating...but there is NO NEED to get nasty and rude because I havent been either to anyone along the way!!!!!! But it seems like people suddenly want to be bitter and mean so find, I'M DONE!!!!! I don't want to be mean, I don't want to talk trash on people even if they feel the need to do so on me, and I'm out! I could blow up a few people's spots if I really wanted to get in that game but I'm not...so I hope people just drop it, STOP TALKING ABOUT ME and leave it alone.

Peace,
Ashlee

Wishing I Was Anywhere But Here

2007-09-10T14:57:00.000-04:00

This weekend was rather interesting! I had made plans earlier in the week to go to PJ's in Cherry Hill with Jenna and Rach but as the week came to a close that sorta fell through. I had made plans with Steph Carter earlier in the week as well to hang out there on Friday since my other girls were going to be there, and I assumed as some point some of the other people Ive been hanging around would show up as well. So I went anyway, not planning on drinking too much, just a few beers and then Id dance for awhile. Well that wouldve been fine if I didnt start drinking before I got there and if Steph didnt insist on doing shots. One thing leads to another and next thing I know Ive downed a few too many beers and had knocked back more tequila then I cared to. Knowing that I wasnt going to be able to drive home I texted Mike and lined up a ride with him since he would be getting done practice around the time last call came around and I was sorta on his way home, thought it wouldnt be too much of a problem since he knew I would do the same thing for him, and had commited to it in the past. I stayed there til 1/1:30 and danced my ass off while consuming more beer and trying to find Chris who popped in and out a few times but had no luck. By the time I hopped in the car with Mike I was pretty much wasted. Then went home, cried for a little bit (for reasons I dont care to get into) and passed out.

Saturday woke up kinda late, didnt do too much in the afternoon. Took a shower, picked up my car from PJs and then picked up my bro and his girlfriend from the other side of Marlton before I headed up to St Joe's to pick up Rich. I hadnt talked to him since April and we tried to hang out before school started but we kept missing each other. I called him up earlier in the week and we agreed to get together on Saturday night and knowing I was going to an afternoon block party Infinity Front was playing I asked him if he would want to tag along because I didnt really know when it was going to end. We hit that up and ended up having a good time. It was a little weird when we 1st got there because I only knew the guys in the band, I had no idea what town we were in let alone who any of the people were on the street...and when we got there the boys were already playing so I couldnt use them to mingel. We sat down on the curb and after a min I found a friendly face, popped over and said high and found out where the beer was and we were on our way. Had a few drinks and some food, talked to the guys in the band between sets, and hung out talking to Rich, it was a pretty good time. I was nervious going into it but I had no exspectations so it turned out pretty ok. Then we went back to my place while I tried to get ahold of some people to make plans...none seemed to come forth...grabbed some beer and headed back to Rich's place at St Joe's where we spent a few hours drinking beer, eating chinese food, and talking about relationships. (He just...like 2 days ago...broke up with his gf of 2 y1/2 years, 1st love and all so he's a wreck at the moment). It was a really good night, we had a blast and I cant wait to hang out with him again!

Sunday is of course football day in this house. My mom took the little one down the shore for the day and Matt and I watched all the games we could while keeping up with our fantasy stats. Didnt do much but we had fun just hanging out. I went out later on for a few hours to hang out with Chris at his boy's house. I thought we would have been watching the game but they just wanted to sit out front and listen to music. After a few hours of that I got bored so I took off, met Matt at Champps for a drink and then we headed home for the night.

So that seems to be about it. Ive been a little down recently, still. A lot of it has to do with getting myself in motion, Ive just been really hard on myself. And some of it has to do with him. I miss him, just being around him, seeing him smile. It breaks my heart that I cant have what I want out of a friendship with him let alone anything more. SUUUUUCKS! Im obviously on his radar too and my actions effect him as much as his effect mine. Bringing Rich to the block party hit a nerve (which I didnt think about til afterward) because here I was bringing some cute kid with me who I obviously have a good connection with, of course it bothered him. Then today while I was talking to him (through texts as always) he told me he was in a down mood because of shit that took place at the block party and wanted to hear about my weekend. So I told him about hanging out with Rich, how I hadnt seen him in forever and our backround (growing up next to me and all) and he thanked me for turning his mood around. So that obviously was something weighing on his mind. Even now I think he is still a little insecure about it because he asked if there were romantic feelings there. I HATE THIS!!! I dont want to play this, I dont want there to be games between us...and we are both doing what we can to make sure there isnt...but we both check up on each other because OF COURSE we dont want the other to be interested in someone else. And to be completely honest, Im having a hard time feeling anything for anyone else when Im so fucking head over heals in love with this man!! Attracted is one thing but when Ive already found some one that has everything I could ever want in a man and more, then there is no way I can feel anything for anyone else. I love him so completely that it leaves NO ROOM for anyone else.....at all. I just wish it wasnt like this...that something was different...that it was 3 months ago or 6 months right now...not here though.

Peace,
Ashlee

Some Rise, Some Fall, Some Climb, To Get To Terrapin

2007-09-06T15:26:00.000-04:00

Its amazing how so much has changes since high school...how some people have changed so much and how some are still COMPLETELY the same on the inside. Mike out it best, they're "a hallow shell that uses people and always will play that roll". Cant believe I let myself get used even when he was giving me the heads all along!! ALL ALONG he's been saying "what do you get of the this....its obvious but they get out of you but what do you in return". Ive also had talks with Matt about the lack of change since high school and the fact that they're the same deep down inside, just the shell has slightly changed. And Im right, I finally got burned...aleast I had my guard up so it didnt get bad but it still hurts a little. I was just hoping I was wrong about this person but of course I was right, Im an excellent judge of character and should never doubt myself. So all is left is to sit down and have a conversation with them...along with a few of my other friends to clear up why Ive been out of the picture and where our friendship fits in to play now that Matt and I are split hairs and Im going through a number of life changes. But in all I miss them...I miss Jenn and Kelsey a lot!!! And I hope I can get things back on track with them.

Crazy night last night. While I was heading out for the night I ran into Guy Forte and talked him into coming with Jenna and I to Landmark. Good thing because I wouldve ended up having no one to dance with or have to suffer through weird strangers because Chris never showed last night. Didnt drink too much because I was the DD for the night but I still had a blast and danced my ass off. Then on the way home we had to stop in a school parking lot so Jenna could piss around back...and then again in kettle run because I had to pee too and couldnt make it to her house. So we find a court and run into the woods only to to find it filled with thorns and wrecked our legs . Best pee ever though, I almost pissed my pants and it felt soooooo good! Then we hung out at Jennas for a bit, sobered up some more...had another beer...and headed home. I know the sobering up thing mixxed with the beer doesnt work but I wasnt the one that needed to sober up...I was fine to drive, it was Guy. Lucky for him he followed me home from the bar so I was his safety net but he needed to relax before he took off from Jennas since he wasnt following me anymore.

Ok time to make dinner. I bet I never get a call from the person Ive been trying to get ahold of. Just wanna through shit out on the table and clear it up. They've been less then honest and Im DONE with being anything but 100% honest with people. Lies get you NO WHERE fast and Im all about going places now.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Terrapin Station"~ Grateful Dead

Without Love Day To Day Insanitys King

2007-09-04T08:19:00.000-04:00

....but sometimes the insanity is the love itself. I had been doing really good with this whole thing, keeping my distance wasn't a problem, I was doing okay only seeing him once a week while one was coming home and the other was going. Loving him from a far wasn't a problem. But since last Thursday he has been consuming my every thought...yet again...and driving me NUTS. One part of the night...well two...stand out the most though and haunt me as I'm going to sleep; When we were out by his car talking about how fate dropped me in his life...when he told me he loved me...and later on in the night when I was staring into his eyes and broke down and told him how I love him as well. I've known for awhile now that I love him, its something I only denied for a day and then came to terms with but when stood there holding me, told me how people say the word too much and it loses its meaning but he loved me in every way one person possible could love another I froze. I just sat there taking it in. There was no need for me to say it back at the moment...though he started his nervous talking once he said it and I sat there silently unable to breath let alone speak. But when the moment was finally right for me and I did let him know that I loved him in return...he thanked me. As if he has been holding his breath waiting to hear it. Why thank me? He knew how I felt! Ive loved him as a friend for a long time now, I was 100% honest all the way down the line about how hard I was falling for him....the phrase "you wreck me" was even thrown his way a few times.

But at the end of the day there's nothing that can be done. I need to get my life on track, clear things up with Matt, set up on my own and then see if things could go somewhere with Mike. There is way too much baggage right now that would FOR SURE taint everything and we both agreed that if we do this we have to do it right...its too important not to give it 100% and risk losing everything. And in the end the age thing might be a bigger factor then we both had thought, but truth be told I think once I get on my feet that the age gap wont be as messy as we worry it might be. He might find hanging out with my friends not to be his favorite thing to do even though they're great people...they're just not into what I'm into and there for wouldn't be his crowd either. But the friends of his I know I get along great with and I think after a little while the awkwardness would diminish. BUT WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW!!! We could be two perfect souls that have to sit on this for a long time because of all the outside factors. But we will come together at some point in the future...we are too perfect for each other not too and I know his purpose in my life, I must have one in his as well!

So needless to say all this I'm feeling toward him right now is running me over! But I have some amazing words of wisdom he passed along to me a few weeks ago that I am living by and its getting me through.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Help On The Way"~ Grateful Dead

~Yes the Dead is all I seem to listen to these days...for many reasons. But mainly because I'm just connecting with their songs a lot right now!

Its Just That I Have Gotten Use To Having You Around. The Landscape Would Be Empty If Your Were Gone...

2007-09-03T14:01:00.000-04:00

Quite a few things have taken place since I last posted anything. I guess the 1st one being the blow up that took place last Sunday (not yesterday). Its not something I feel the need to completely dive into, I already have it in here just not posted, but long story short the black cloud that hangs over me at the moment made its presents felt and opened my eyes to that fact that I need to break free. I was followed by one of Matt's friends while hanging out with Jake, not because Matt asked him to but because Pat (the one following me) felt like he needed to. So needless to say I have completely written Pat off and dont really like the idea of Matt hanging out with him. Pat is CRAZY when it comes to stuff like that and I really dont want him feeding Matt's insanity. Buts its his life.

After that night I decided it was best not to hang out with Jake for awhile, it wasnt fare to have him wrapped up in this and truth be told and am REALLY not feeling it with him like he is for me and I dont want to lead him down any paths by mistake.

I also realized that I need to branch out and find some new people to hang out with, people that arent connected to Matt so tightly and arent going to notice the cloud that hangs above my head. So Wednesday I went to Landmark with Jenna and achieved my goal. Hung out with some people from HS I havent seen in awhile and had a freaking blast with them. Jenna introduced me to a ton of new people...most of which I dont remember or really didnt catch their names. Flirted a little bit, danced my fucking ass off, and met this really hot kid named Chris who I ended up hanging out with the rest of the night. Drank my face off, flat out wasted that night and ended up heading back to Jenna's after last call and crashed there til 6am when I had sobered up enough to drive...though once I got home I realized I shouldnt really have done that because I was still fucking gone. Chris and his friend Pete, who Jenna has been trying to hook it up with, followed us back there and we stayed up all night talking and hanging out.

The next day not too much went on, normal day. Later on that night Mike texted me asking if I would be up for giving him a ride home from PJs later if he needed it, of course Im always up for helping him out. In the mean time I passed out and woke up an hour later to a text from him. Thinking I was still picking him up I threw on some clothes and got ready to take off. To my surprise he was already home, just wanted to hang out. Now since we had talked about not really hanging out because of the energy that follows with it I was a little shocked. Id been really good about not letting it get to me and trying to keep myself busy in other ways and of course seeing him earlier in the day on helped that...as long as I can talk to him in person and see him smile once a week, I have my fix and Im ok. But I wasnt about to pass up a chance to spend some time with him when it popped up so of course I ran right down there. He was feeling the fruits of life when I stepped outside and saw him leaning against his car. Blown away by the fact that the 1st thing he did was pull me in for a huge kiss...right there in the middle of James court. I guess at this point there really isnt much to hide but I didnt think we were going public...letting the neighbors and all know. I was a little weird about it because Im not trying to be the talk of the town...but at the same time I was LOVING every second of it. We popped the trunk to grab some beers, I sat inside it, and Mike began talking. He was buzzy so I just let him go on, I would digest and then comment later I figured because I love listening to him go on and on, his insightfulness gives me a new take on everything and I hang on every word. He opened up a lot about his feelings for me and blew my mind away...to the point where I wanted to respond, he did too, but all I could do is take it in, swallow it down, and try not to let myself get swept away in his title wave. We must have been out there for a good hour or so then we took things inside and spent the rest of the night hanging out.

He is the calm before my storm...and dear God did it storm later. I didnt get up in time to come upstairs before Matt left which was a big fuck up on my part, but Matt flew off the handle about it and caused a massive fight where there shouldnt have been one at all. He brought our parents into it and now Im sure my mom knows whats going with Mike and I, even more so because I went back down there only to leave a 1/2 hour later when my mom came knocking on the door looking for me. Matt told his mom that I was down with Mike all night and shes a fucking crazy ass woman and not the person I would like knowing any of this in case something happens with Matt and I, I can see her trying to use this against me. In the end Matt used Tristen as a tool in his angry against me and I lost my mind over it. I dont think he realizes how fucking out of my mind upset I am over this, I dont want to live with him anymore, I was upset before and this just nailed it home. He is not the type of person I want to be around day to day and I have lost almost all of my respect for him. But I cant go into this anymore because Im trying to hold down the anger and it will just blow up again. Needless to say Mike and I had made the right choice when we decided to hold off on hanging out and we slipped up but we REALLY need to stick with it...for the sake of each other because it would be really easy to let this get carried away and flushed down the shitter.

Moving on to Friday; I went over my moms for a bit, Tristen slept over there, and then I went out with Chris and some of his friends (whom Ive NEVER met) to PJs while Matt went to AC with Pat, Matt, and Ben. Had a decent time at PJs, something over the top. Ran into a few people I know, and some I didnt but they knew me...which is always soooo awkward. Oddly enough the kid that it was happened to be Jakes friend Tom that I had just met on Sunday when all that shit went down with Pat...Im sure he went running back to Jake and let him know that he saw me out and about with some other guy...but its not his business so I really just dont care. After we left PJs we went to some little bar in Berlin, they had a few more drinks (I had 2 the whole night, I wasnt in the mood to get wasted, even less with people I dont know and dont trust when to make good choices when they're drunk). We hung out there til last call and then headed back to one of the kid's houses and stayed there the rest of the night. Chris drove me home in the morning and that was it for the night.

Saturday Jenna and I went to Landmark for a bit, Chris and his friends from the night before were there as well. He was acting kind of weird and his boy Angelo told me that I better be going him with Chris that night. Apparently the kid really has it for me or something. At the end of the night we ended up back at the same house as the night before this time Jenna and her boy Pete came too. Stayed the night and Chris drove me home again. He was kind of upset that nothing happened two nights in a row but Im just not feeling it. I was at 1st but now Im not so sure. He's a really cute kid and I love the fact that he is a fire fighter and his friends are nice, there are just major things about him that turn me off. But Im not looking for love...in fact I already have it just in the wrong time and place at the moment and Im looking for anything but. The problem lies in the fact that he seems to be REALLY into me, cuddling on the sofa, holding my hand in the car, calling me a bunch of times a day, most to make plans but sometimes just to talk and catch up. I do like him but there is not way I can offer him anything more than someone to hang out with and maybe a little bit more of it comes to that. But he seems like he is under my spell or something and Jenna is seeing it too. Isn't it usually the girl that acts all weird like this with the guy? Ive never seen it the other way around but then again Im young and Ive been off the scene for AWHILE...there is a world of dating out there I know very little about and Im excited to drift my way through.

So that is some of the chaos going on in my life. Believe it or not Im thriving in it. I have never been so clear on so many issues in my life. Im learning new things about myself everyday and Im just blown away. Im starting to see a lot of what Mike is talking about, things about myself I just cant see and Im starting to open my eyes to and its awesome!!! Thats about it for now because Im starting to drift and loose my train of thought. There is a lot more I want to talk about, things I want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs from the highest tower I can find but I cant really let out because Im still trying to keep it on the dl. Thank God no one reads this and the 3 or 4 of you that do already know all whats going on with him so its not that big of a deal. But I never know who is going to come across this so Ill just leave it where it is.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Looks Like Rain"~Grateful Dead

And These Days I Wish I Was 6 Again

2007-08-23T15:35:00.000-04:00

I ready for this rain to stop. Enough is enough already, its really not helping my already dourer mood!!

Yesterday would have been 4 years for Matt and I and he made me a really nice candle lit dinner with flowers and wine and nice music, it was really sweet. Its been awhile since Matt and I had some alone time, but its too little too late when all is said and done. But in all it was still really nice and I cant think of any other way I wouldve like to have spent the night.

Work sucks, I hate Ulta. Its just NOT me at all. I miss Morning Glory and getting dirty. I hate trying to give people advice when it comes to make up....I dont know much about make up myself, I dont like wearing it, I like letting my skin breath and my nature looks are enough to get me by.

Life has had me a little down recently. Not anything I can even begin to dive into on here but it eating at me a bit. Im just having a hard time putting stuff in my life together, Im going through a huge growth period and I feel more alone now then ever. The help I have received has been great and really brought a little bit of light into a very dark place. But then again that seems to be what he is best at, bestowing knowledge and helping me when I need it the most. I just wish I could depend on him less...or more...anything but this weird in between stage. He drives me wild and insane at the same time. For a month now he has consumed my every thought and Im only at rest when Im with him or right after Ive left his company.

In fact I had the best dream last night, about him, that up lifted me and put me in suuuuuch a great mood today....till I go to work and it sucked all the energy out of me. It wasnt an odd dream, nothing amazing happened, but I was able to wrap myself up in his arms like Ive been craving to do for awhile now. All I wanted yesterday was a hug from him, to cuddle up close, and be near him. But I know that it was something I needed to get past on my own and wrap myself up in my own emotions instead because I cant depend on other people like that, I need to find comfort on my own. But I still went to sleep craving his touch and through my dream about him my needs were almost completely met. How is he that powerful?

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "83"~John Mayer

Shows

2007-08-21T12:15:00.000-04:00

I had a good talk yesterday with Mike...then again every talk is a good one. The last time we talked on Friday I was pretty damn upfront with how into him I am, like I needed to be, and he's just worried about me getting hurt because it could easily happen. Yeah I have it bad for the man but my friendship with him is what matters more than anything and Im just as concerned as he is about nothing fucking that up because thats something I dont ever want to let go of. And he's dated his fair share of crazies, and been in that spot himself when someone gets really hurt, and doesnt want this to go down that way. Trust me, Im my own biggest ally in this battle because as much as I care about him, my feelings come 1st to me and I know I need to protect myself...like Ive been saying in here all along. My heart would fly away if it wasnt for my head but I keep it handled. And I get that I cant start anything up with him anytime soon, it be nice if there was a little bit less stress but it is what it is. Besides I cant jump into anything with anyone whether I want to or not, I need some recovery time. And I am by no means ready to give up the single life yet, even if its for someone Im crazy about. Im a flirty person by nature and I like having that side of myself back. Im enjoying meeting guys and being able to chat then up without tossing out the word boyfriend 2 mins into the conversation. Thats not to say Im going to go out and fuck a bunch of guys, in fact sex is off the table for me for a little bit but that really has more to do with Jake and Mike then anyone else I meet, but its for the best because I have to get my life on a set track and straighten some stuff out before I can let my heart dance about doing what it wants. But Im excited for when I can and Im pumped to see what becomes of Mike and I because I think we could have something pretty awesome if things go down that path.

So lets get to the good stuff....last night!!! Jackie and I worked as vendors (I sold water and she sold candy) at the Tweeter for the Alice In Chains and Velvet Revolver concert and had a fucking blast. It was POURING down rain at some points, in fact I dont think it ever really stopped raining the whole time we were outside, but we had fun anyway. Werent a lot of people there and as far as vendors go it was Jackie, me, and our cute boss but I think it worked out better that way for our 1st time getting a grip on what to do and all. Made okay money in tips, nothing great but I got paid to see a concert I otherwise didnt really have the money to make it in and see! Flirted with the boss a little, got some digits so maybe Ill see him when I work Ozzfest on Wednesday.

OK Im cutting this short cuz my phone started blowing up and Im loosing track of thoughts in between texts.

Peace,
Ashlee

The Wheel Is Turning & You Cant Stand Still, Cant Let Go & Cant Hold On, You Cant Go Back And You Cant Stand Still...If The Thunder Dont Get You...

2007-08-18T18:31:00.000-04:00

...Then The Lightning Will!!!

WOW had a fucking AMAZING night last night. Started out a little rocky because Matt backed out on going to the Allman Brothers and Ratdog with me so I wasnt too sure I was going to have a good time being the 3rd wheel to Jackie and Stefan, especially since the last DMB show I went to turned into a nightmare when I was the 3rd wheel to Jenna and her bf at the time. So I just popped a dose, had Matt drop me off with 2 tickets, my house key, and $7 in my pocket and I sparked my adventure. I started out in the very back lot, Campbell's Field lot, and hung out with Jackie, filled her in a little one why Matt wasnt coming, had a beer, and smoked a few hits with some of her friends. It wasnt too bad, LOTS of tanks set up around us which meant lot of police in the area...not that I was worried...I (for the 1st time in a long time at a tailgate) had nothing on me that would cause me to get into any sorta trouble...I didnt have my ID though and I was hanging out with kids a lot younger than me so I was still a little nervous.

I had enough of standing around and once my madness started to take a nice hold me I needed to move around and experience the lot scene and find myself Shakedown Street because its been a LOOOOONG time since Ive hit up Shakedown and I was PUMPED for it...its always a trip in and amoung itself!!! As I found it I got a text from Mike letting me know where him and his budies were tailgating at so I swung across the street and met up with them. Slightly weird at 1st considering I didnt know what to expect. I walk up and its Mike, his budy Tim who I use to see once a week or so when I was working with Mike and Tim's friend, I cant think of his name. Mike has been talking about this show for most of the summer and I really expected him to be rockin out with a crowd and was taken back to find them in the VIP lot, with no one around, and not a lot of rockin going on!

Being pretty tried from walking for a hour (it was a still 80 out at this point), I sat down and had a beer and hung out with them for a bit. Didnt plan on tailgating with them long, after all I had to find my way back to Jackie so I could go in the show with her and things with Mike and I are still a little weird (to be explained later). But then the guys started talking about how Mike couldnt get ahold if his brother about tonight and they threw out the idea that if he didnt show Id sell my two tickets and come sit with them. That being the case of course I tagged a long for a little bit long and sure enough Chris backed out....I was going down with them! I gave Tim my two tickets to do with what he wanted since he was miricalling me and mine together didnt even add up to one of the inside seats. We finished up our tailgate, missed Keller which I was a little bummed about because I would've like to have seen him, he puts on a good show...but we made it in there in good time, missing only a few Ratdog songs. Once we got in our seats all I could do was stare at Bobby Weir. Granted he was a cutie back in the day but Jeuse Christ that man is seeeeeeeeeeeeexy!!!!! I dont care that he is 65 or something close to that, the man can still rock out and he is JACKED!!!!! I couldnt help but focus on him while my heart and body danced to his music. Ratdog killed, I havent danced like that at a show in awhile! There was a bit if rain at some point and when I left to go to the bathroom I danced around in it a little....perfection to me at that moment, couldnt have been any better and it was just what I needed to wash away my troubles and go back into the show and have a good time.

Allman Brothers of course put on a fucking insanely rockin show....VERY impressed that they still are about to put a 100% into it every night and just put on good shows on a consistent basis like that. I wish I couldve danced a bit more to them but I hadnt eaten enough that day and my body was so tired that I started to shake and could barely stand. But I stayed standing and I kept moving because my heart wouldnt let me sit still. Mike was a blast dancing too, wish I could have danced with him a bit more but I had nooooo expectations for the night and I am more than happy with what I got out of it. I cant believe I got to see a show with two rockin dead heads...one being my favorite dead head on this earth just made it that much more unbelievable! Couldnt ask for a better night!!!! After the night came to an end Tim dropped Mike and I off at home and after much moving about and a few sleeping pills, I passed out. My energy level was so high that it was too hard to calm myself down and just lay in bed. The music was pumping through my veins and when I get like that there is no stopping me or slowing me down!

So lets get into things with him a little. Went down here during the day yesterday and had a talk about the past week, what we've been doing and about us. Had a great talk, wanted to jump the mans bones but didnt because I was really waiting for the perfect moment to let something like that happen again and it has yet to come up. Then we talked a little while tailgating...well he talked, I tripped out and followed along..and we talked some more today. Im in a really good place with where things are. As easy as it would be for me to go down and hang out with him all the time and start fucking him every chance I got, I think it would take away from what we have. We both agree that we really REALLY like each other and dont want this to go down the wrong path and letting that happen would take it there real easily. Last night proved that we could hang out as friends...around other people...and not have it be a problem or apparent that something is going on. There's no doubt in my mind that things will happen for me and him but right now Matt is a huge factor in this. The tension of trying to have something with him hanging on our heads isnt worth it...we can wait. And to be honest I can jump into anything with anyone...but if there was one person Id go after it would be him 100%. So at some point Matt and I arent going to be able to live together anymore, Ive come to that conclusion many times, and when that day comes then we'll see where things go with Mike and I. But they're going somewhere. Im not worried about finding someone better in the mean time or him doing the same because we're both human, shit is going to happen, but we have a hold on each others heart and Im banking on that to be enough to get us both on through until the time comes. Even though our first talk today didnt lead down that road, Im glade we talked again and decided to stick with the original plan because things could get messy. And a much as Matt is a facter in this, its not all about him and it was a choice we needed to make for the sake of our friendship more than something that was influenced by how Matt feels. Even if Matt and I werent living together right now I think we would be making the same choices with all this. The time table might be different...but then again it might.

One of the things I worry about a little with him is everyone else. I don't see any problem in the age difference between us. Its not even something I pick up on unless we're around his friends...and even then it doesnt bother me at all. Him and I just conect so completely that the age thing plays no factor in my attraction for him or our friendship. As much as we're in different places in life, we're really night. He may have more life experience then I have but I pick up on the things he says and understand them completely where other people really donw. In fact just watching him talk to his friends last night and watching how they took in his words and continued the conversation verses how it would go with Mike and I and the level of understanding blew my mind. I could completely get them and had a hard time seeing at 1st how they couldnt...and how frustrating that must be for Mike. But at the same time Im in the same boat, we're two odd balls and normal people just dont think the same way we do and people dont understand me a lot of the time...so I just dont talk about deep things with many people. But we think a lot a like and thats such a turn on for me...and Im sure it is for him too. So I need to stop talking about this, I need to get him off my mind because it does me no good. Though thinking of him always puts a smile on my face. Wow my head is still pretty spaced from last night. Those random little kicks are nice :-). Okay its time to get ready for Jenn's party!

Peace,

Ashlee

Current Music: "The Wheel"~Grateful Dead

Yes all I seem to ever listen to these days is the dead but I cant begin to explain the way that they capture my soul!

You Make Me Love, So Unconditionally Generous To Me, You Give Me Love

2007-08-15T16:03:00.000-04:00

Its been a little hard to get things done recently, there's a lot on my mind and its been consuming my thoughts even when I try my hardest not to let it. I've had some strange dreams the past week, nice ones, odds ones, but always about the same person...a person who's only popped up in my dreams once or twice in the past and now its been everyday for a week or so. Shouldn't be surprising right? If thats what my mind is focused on during the day why wouldn't it go back there when it's settling down at night!? Im still not sure why this is something I am dwelling on like this, I mean I know where things stand, I am happy with where they are and I know the reasons behind them not progressing....I understand them as well as if him and I shared a brain on this...but the heart still wants what it wants. I haven't been this overwhelmed by someone since...well since Jake...and this may even go deeper then that. Its one of those feelings where I'm so comfortable with where things are that I don't care who knows where my feelings stand, people are going to judge anyway and no one can understand our friendship like we can. By no means am I pushing for something to happen because to be honest I dont know if the pieces will ever fall in place for it to happen...I hope they do...but that's something I can wait for. I miss him. I miss being his morning glory girl, I miss the look on his face when he looks at me, the way we joke, watching him dance in the work truck, joking around, and being near him everyday. What I wouldn't give to go sit on his sofa cuddled up in his arms. I want to be close to him, touch him, kiss him, and wrap myself up in everything about him. There is this closeness and intimacy with him that Ive never felt before in my life. As much as Matt can read me and what goes on in my head at certain points, this man doesn't even need to be around me to know how Im feeling and what Im thinking...and the same goes for me with him. I feel his energy even when we dont speak, I dont need to be near him to know what he's thinking. One look into his eyes and I feel like Ive just had a whole conversation with him. I crave him and its completely and totally consuming. The few times I am productive come in massive waves where the only thing I can do is go none stop because if I stop long enough to think, I think about him. I know he thinks about me too in a lot of the same ways...but is it as deep? As all consuming?

Peace,
Fergy

Current Music: "John the Revelator" aka "JTR"~Dave Matthews Band

Must Admit Your Kind Of Frightnin' But You Really Get Me High

2007-08-14T14:57:00.000-04:00

Things are going pretty good as of lately. Ive gotten over my slump, most likely because I finally cleared my head of all this and laid it all out on the table, so now Im in a slight manic state. Manic states are kinda fun but nerve wracking at the same time because I dont get a lot of sleep, Im hyper, easily excited and let down, and my mind races and dwells on certain things and people it shouldnt. Like him...

Went to the Infinity Front show last Saturday with Kelsey and had a GREAT time. Got dressed to impress and spent almost no time near him...maybe a total of 60 seconds in the 3 or 4 hours we were there. We walked it and the band was hanging toward the door so I started talking to Jim, gave him a hug and asked him about his vacation. Walked over to McCarthy, hugged him too and started talking music and recent events with in the band and James Court drama. Then I glanced over at Mike and told him about how Kelsey had to love tap his car to get into the parking spot in front of him, spaced on giving him a hug or even greeting him....I know Im a bitch but that wasnt my intention by any means, just trying to keep things low key and it didnt hit me til later how I was acting.

We sat at the back of the bar by the door and had a few beers...I know I dont drink beer but I was pretty set in my buzz, just needed something to take the edge off, and the band was getting free pitchers so when Rob offered it up I wasnt going to turn 'em down. We got there right before the 2nd band (the one before IF) came on, they sucked but we didnt pay much attention because Rob was chatting us up. Then between two of the songs the kid at the door taking cover shouts "I LIKE TURTLES"...a p&s reference for those of you who arent with it...and I turned around to reply "GADZOOKS!!" Rockin, my 1st ever P&S encounter, I was stoked. So of course I start talking P&S with this guy, he was nice enough and we obviously flirting it up with me. In fact I had noticed earlier that he was trying to find some way of getting my attention and the turtle thing was just another ploy on his part that happened to work. So we spent the rest of the 2nd band's act talking about stuff and joking around. Then before IF came on I ducked out for 20 min so I could hook my stuff up to the sound board and he started to chat up Kelsey. While they are flirting I started talking a little to the sound guy who has the most kick ass dreds....and we all know how Im a sucker for that sorta thing. He was at the last show doing sound too and I must have left and impression because he asked me how my levels where last time and we started chatting. Then as I walked away he stopped me to say "Great outfit by the way" which was sweet because he obviously was diggin me but he was a nice guy about it, and I was of course vibing him as well, like I had the show before. When that was all done and I came back from the bathroom the kid by the door, Tom I think, was talking to the sound guy and when he walked back over from there on out he was all over Kelsey. Im assuming some kind of deal was laid out to back off me, which was fine because as this kid started to turn the corner on his buzz and I couldnt care less what he had to say. Besides I was there to rock out to IF, not to hook it up.

We hung out in the back for awhile and I for the 1st time ever watched Mike on the drums, the man was killing me with how much he was dancing back there. Ive watched him play before but usually I watch Jim and Rob...maybe because they are more in my line of site...maybe because I was always so afraid to check Mike out for fear that him or someone else would catch me, most likely both. But I didnt really care if he saw me scoping him, in fact I kind of hoped he would notice. Id noticed him glancing at me through out the night and since I was hanging by the door in the light there was no doubt in my mind he was checking out how my night was going as I tried not to check out his. So people started to filter out, Tom started to get creepy and Kelsey and I moved up closer to watch and dance a little. It was by far the best show Ive seen them put on to date and I am still sooooo bummed that I was too balls to the walls to record it (technical difficulties blew up). At the end of the show we chatted up McCarthy some more, said goodbye to Jim and then waited ever so patiently to grab a free second from Mike to give him a long awaited hug and kiss and say goodbye...wow dave reference and a rather fitting one ;-). Then we took off for home, hung out for a few more hours into the night, I watched the sun come up and went to bed around 7.

Sunday was Tristens party. Went pretty good, none of the kids I invited showed up so that sucked because I had dumped a bunch of money into arts and crafts for them that never got used but shit happens. A little upset with some of the ppl who bailed but sucks is life, karma is a bitch. He had a blast though, he was the center of attention as he should be at his 2nd birthday and this year was a lot less stressful then last year was.

Starting a new job at Ulta soon with my bestest Jenn. Im excited, though Im still holding out some hope for Morning Glory a few days a week in the fall because I had sooo much fun doing it and I really do miss getting dirty and working my ass off in the summer sun. That seems to be about it for now. Lots of stuff going on in my head. I have most of it figured out but it doesnt mean the craziness is any easier to handle. I have it in for a man that I cant really have and in some ways dont want to. But in every way I was to be what he wants...I think I am, but then my head tells me Im not, Im getting carried away. I know my heart is usually right, it has been all the way down the line with this so far, but Im more then willing to sit on things and wait for him to come to me when the time is right...if it ever becomes right. I couldnt be happier with where our friendship is even though Im aching for more....but I can wait because my life is in a good place right now and I dont have the energy to put into anyone else at the moment. So whats it...the manic-ness is kicking in more and I need to stop typing because I cant even hold a fucking thought let alone get one out!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Lazy Lightning"~Grateful Dead

There's A Tingling Recognition Like The Sound Of Distant Thunder & I Begin To Wonder If The Love Ive Driven Under Wont Ignite

2007-08-06T08:43:00.000-04:00

Im not even sure where to begin this blog because I have been slacking so bad in this area. But it seems like things will be picking up in here since my complexities are in full swing and my blog is the only place to let out some of the madness inside my head. Ive missed the madness, as crazy as that sounds. Some people thrive in it and believe it or not it keeps me on an even plane when there is lots spinning around me.

Lets begin with Matt and I. After many years of hiding my feelings and not talking to him the way I should, I was finally about to come out and talk to him about my feelings toward our relationship. Its way to much to go into and to tell you the truth its not something that needs to be shared in a blog or journal entry of any kind, but its settled and we're in a good place. We lost our friendship along the way and we have to learn to trust each other again along with many other things. We'll see how living together while going through this change works out and if it stops working then we'll go from there. Its been going pretty good so far and I really couldn't be happier with where this is all going with us right now. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off me now and I can get some stuff back on track that I have been slacking on.

Now part 2 involves relationships with others. The Jake thing was of course a road that was going to be traveled down. No no Im not jumping into ANYTHING, there is no way I would dare without getting my life sorted back out and that is going to take some time. However I didn't see any harm in hanging out with him a few times. You by now know my fatal attraction to this man and the roll he has played in my life, and many people over the years have advised me to go after this attraction because it doesn't come around much. So I called him up to hang out, explained what was going on in my life so there was no confusion about where I stood on things and he had no expectations of me. Now Ive been wondering for awhile if the Jake thing had run its course. Has this dance we've been doing for years, the hurt and the heart break run down what could have been something great? After hanging out with him last night I got all the answers I was looking for and I was pretty shocked at what Id found. Yes it has become run down and jaded and without ever doing anything to smooth over the corrosion after blowouts, its pretty much unrepairable. At the same time it was never something that was going to work anyway. I dont feel that connection with him like Ive felt with other people and the feelings Ive had for him over the years seem to be nothing more then the left over lusting feelings of a teenage girl has for her 1st boyfriend. Im not trying to take away from anything I had ever felt for him or any of the memories I hold so tight to, but he is fare from being my one. That being said I dont think Ill be making any time for him in the near future or otherwise.

So once that was all figured out my head got in the way. Conversations Ive had with Mike began popping in my head and my logic started to get the best of me. What if I cut this thing off with Jake before I have a chance to see where it really is going to go, what if its heading some place good? But at the same time my heart is telling me if that was the case I would have felt it from the beginning. I just dont want to end of being this person that drops people because I dont feel that magical spark before I get a chance to have something good with them. I need to find my happy balance because there is no way Im going to find that spark with more than a very few men I meet in my life but there are going to be those that I dont feel it with that I get a lot out of the time I spend with them. But Im young and that needs to be worked on, at least Im fully aware of it.

Once all those thoughts started swirling in my head I began thinking about Mike...of course because his conversations have been guiding me through, even now when I have to rely on past wisdom alone. And I begin to wonder how much Ive been hiding from myself about him. I of course have a massive crush on the man, Ive been grabbing his vibes since the day we moved in and its been over powering. I check to see if his car is there when I walk by the window, I wonder what he's up to when he isnt home for days on end, and all this came long before we started to become best friends and before I worked for him. But once the working thing did come into play and I was with him all the time I started to hold back those feelings a lot more, locked them up soooo very tight inside because the friendship ment much to me and I couldn't let them escape, making things awkward. Now they are pretty much out in the open, thanks to a conversation he started with me about how attracted he is to me and Im still trying to figure out how deep it goes on his end. On one hand my heart is putting all the things together and thinks this man really digs me, would like to be much more than friends because of some of the things he's said and the way he has said them. On the other hand I think that maybe he just needs that closeness with me because we're so close in so many other ways; the friendship is what really matters in this. But lets face it, I dont have a rockin body or a killer face...I am who I am and a large part of his attraction for me is the friendship. Everything inside me is leading me to think that its deeper than that, I just dont want to think that way and have it blow up in my face and thats why Ive failed to let that thought bare buds and grow.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Just A Little Light"~Grateful Dead

Missing My Uncle

2007-07-10T10:15:00.000-04:00

I had a really strange dream last night that has stuck with me. Im not sure how it started but it was me, my brother, my dad, and my uncle dean all hanging out. At one point my dad grabbed a box with a bunch of games in it and wanted us all to play but my uncle said "no, you have to be sobber to play, you know that Doug". It was just really strange because I know my dad is going through some stuff...though he hasnt tried talking to me in almost a year...and we're on good terms. But I wonder if its my uncles way of saying something is going on with my dad and my brother and I both need to step in and help. Who knows, but it was really nice to see my uncle. Its been a long time since Ive had a dream about him and this is two in a couple weeks now. There is obviously something he is trying to talk to me about and I guess I should get ahold of my dad to see what is going on with him because maybe he is the missing link.

Hot as balls out, I hate working in this fucking heat. AC is the greatest invention ever! Must get back out there, later loves.

Peace,
Ashlee

Listen To The River Sing Sweet Songs To Rock My Soul

2007-07-09T16:32:00.000-04:00

So at the moment Im going through some major life changes and its kicking my ass!!!! Im a fucking emotional wreck but fighting really hard to keep it together, and so far doing pretty well, but Im slowly breaking down. Little things are starting to tare at me when I shouldnt think twice about them. Stupid things like the fact that my drier is buring holes in my shirts makes me cry...granted I have bought 3 shirts this spring and more than 1/2 the shirts I own now have holes, thats a little bit of a kick in the ass. And its not like I have to money to buy more stuff...I am barely making my bills and money is only going to get tighter.

Which brings me to my next point. In the process of bringing myself out of the massive hole that I had fallin into Ive ignored a lot of things around me that have been going wrong for a long time. A good part of it was the fact that I just could emtional handle the whole situation and it was easier to ignore it, and the other is that I didnt want to believe it myself, I was scared and not ready to make such a massive change in my life. But through talking to Mike, Matt, and a friend of mine in the same exact boat, I realized that I do have the courage to do this and I need to stick up for what is going to make me happiest, not the people around me. (except Tristen because of course he comes 1st 100% of the time). Its not something I am ready to talk about with people yet, there are very few people I know that at this stage in their life would have a hard time understanding why Im making the choice I am, but its something I didnt jump into and took a great deal of thought. It also isnt something I want to bring up with anyone until Ive worked more of this out and Matt and I have brought it up with the people in our lives that we need to. But just know that right now I need all the love and support I can get from the people around me!

Work has been ruff, Mike has been taking a lot of days off which isnt good for me because money troubles are getting worse and I need to work those hours. Plus Im getting out of shape and I would like to not have my ass kicked every time we go out there. Speaking of tomorrow is are hard day (Cedar Run when we have 9 hours on one street to cut with no breaks in between) and Im not at all ready for it...and its going to be fucking 100 degrees!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this weather!

Ok well I didnt get everything off my chest Ive been meaning to. I have been doing some stuff for Mikes band, Im getting into taping and everything which has me insanely pumped because it is something I have always wanted to get into just didnt know how nor did I have the means. But this has opened a new door for me and I am sooo excited. On top of that they are gaining a lot of steam as a band, and they fucking rock, so Im very excited for them. I need to go pick up Tristen so Im cutting this short!

Peace,
Ash

Current Music: "Brokedown Palace"~Grateful Dead

There May Come A Day When I Dance On Your Grade, Unable To Dance I Will Crawl Across It

2007-06-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

I had the most amazing weekend in a veeeeeeeeeeeery long time. Friday night the crew hung out at champps and we had a pretty kick ass time. Saturday we went to go see Pirates and then went to go see Mikes band play in Collingswood, which was kick ass, and then Jackie and I went out to the bar when we got home. We had a few drinks and a shot on behalf of a bar tender friend of ours and walked back home just as mike was pulling back in. He pretty much left th bar with his buddies to come hang out with us so we were stoked to see him pull up. After talking to the kids next door (who we went to high school with) that were pulling up while we were out there talking to mike, we went back to his place and hung out for awhile.

Jackie spent the beginning of the night fighting with her man after a long talk we had in the bar and she realized that he couldnt offer her what she wanted/needed out of a relationship...an by the beginning of the night i mean it was now almost 2am. So Mike and I hung out inside talking about Matt, my relationship with him, and how our little family came to be while I finished off a quater bottle of grey goose..well maybe less than that since mike kept sipping out of my glass. Jackie came back in and we looked through OLD photos of mike...talking like 86-90. Some of them taken before Jackie and I were even born. We ended up staying down there til the sun came up just talking and laughing and having an AWESOME time. Learned so much more about mike in those short 4 hours then i have learned in months of working with him.

Sunday slept in, went out to lunch with Mike, spent time with my little man, and just relaxed around the house. I should have been working today but that didnt happen because he had a bunch of running to do that would have left me sitting in a car with him for hours on end doing nothingness. We instead matt called out of work and we've spent the day hanging out. We FINALLY got some floor boards for the attack so tomorrow im going to nail them in (I got my ass kicked getting them up there and it is waaaaaaay too hot to do anymore up there today) and start loading stuff up there. So at the moment im watching GH and then ill pick up the little one, make some dinner...maybe eat dinner at my moms, and the drop down and help mike out with some myspace stuff for his band he's having a hard time figuring out. and now ur in the know~!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Hell In a Bucket"~Grateful Dead

I Will Get By

2007-06-02T13:48:00.000-04:00

So this may seem like it is coming waaaaay out of left field but there have a couple pivotal conversations (most involving mike) that have brought about this new found wisdom.

I guess last night would be the best place to begin this entry. After a night of heavy drinking with friends and a rather weird disappearing act by Mike, I was in a rather down mood and over thinking the events of the past few days. Jackie was having a convo with me about her relationship with her man and how shes looking for a little more commitment, which is understandable, shes hit that point in her life. For some reason woman have this thing inside them that clicks on, some later than others, I guess in the teen years and for some never goes away...but they feel the need to pair off and settle down in a deep meaningful, forever kinda relationship asap. I am none the different, I went through that stage myself and was willing to let guys walk all over me in order to get that. But after a long talk I had with Mike, I guess on Thursday it was, something changed inside me and I grew a little bit. After talking to him I felt like I had the knowledge of a person much older and wiser than myself...which of course Mike is...but it all clicked and rushed over me like a tidal wave.

We as a society exist is this mind set that ur SUPPOSE to get married and have kids and be productive members of society. But thats changing. Why do we need a piece of paper signed by some stupid county office to define our relationships with our better 1/2s??? All people are really just looking for that one person who makes ur flaws seem like ur strengths and who u can grow with...everyday. You can't come home to someone and just live with them out of comfort, just exist with them everyday. You need to be forever changing and growing together. There has to be that spark there and you have to work you ass off to grab hold of that when its starting to fade.

So that was my 1st point and my 2nd is that we are so young, the idea of settling down and getting married is crazy. Never more than when I have these talks with Mike do I realize how young I still am. I dont know anything...who am I to say that I have the skills/tools and maturity to make a relationship work for the next 40 years. Im not saying I dont love Matt, nor am I saying that I never want to get married, but now more than ever I just want to leave things where they are. Im fine dating someone for 10 years before we get married. Im only doing it once and Ill wait as long as I have to in order to make curtain Ive found the person that will be there forever with me. Its not like Matt and I arent going to be together forever...we have Tristen and because of him Matt and I will always be a force in the others life.

There is a lot more eating my mind away but I just cant seem to put it into words. I cant wait til Tuesday so I can sit down and kick this around with Mike, pick his brain a little. He's become almost like my mentor and he's done wonders as far as helping me expand my mind. Thats if things arent too weird still to talk. Sorry Im still dwelling on him just walking out last night and the awkwardness of our passing convo today. Just when I was starting to come out of my shell with him and feel like I could speak openly about anything...like we were friends. Still debating whether or not to crawl back in that shell.

Ok that is enough...Ive vented a little bit and feel better.

Peace,
Ash

Too Many Choices

2007-05-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

I remember last mothers days being awful for me. Im not sure of the events around the whole day, I just know Matt and I fought a lot and I was extremely unhappy...and this one is shaping out to be just the same. Ive been in a massive downswing the past 3 or 4 days, with another week to go til I can break it because for whatever reason when it hits I fall hard. So of course everything stupid things Matt does makes me nuts. Im worried about everything, money mostly, and I was having a hard time on Friday being upbeat and excited to work when I just want to run into oncoming traffic.

The day started off normal, went to my cousin's birthday party...alone because it was more important for Matt to see Spiderman 3. I can't too mad because that was the plan from the begin, I was going to another birthday party (went to my cousins last min) and he was going to the movie with Matt and Jenn. But when things changed it would have been nice for him to come...and I thought he was going to since Matt and Jenn said they werent going because they had no money. When it comes to being around that side of the family, a certain person in particular, I like Matt around, just as a comfort zone...so I won't be alone at any point and he wont find a moment where he feels its safe to approach me. Matt knows all this because we talked about it but he still talked Matt and Jenn into going with him and me, I went anyway and just tried to fend for myself.

When I got home we headed over to Collingswood with Tristen to go see Mikes band play but by the time we got everything out of the car and found them it was raining and they were packing up. Then the umbrella we just bought broke which really got to me...because Ive been worry about money and that was money we just pissed away...one god damn use and the thing is trash. Got home and one thing after another went wrong. Matt acts really fucking special ed sometimes, I wish more than anything he would think on his feet more and use more common sense. That gets to me more than anything else he does! We tried to have a talk about stuff, my doubts, why Im not ready to marry him, and he turned it into something ugly with one fucking comment and I flew off the wall, which I had every right to do with what he asked. He SHOULD have brought it up months ago when it was all out on the table being taken care of, but no he wanted to wait til it was all supposedly buried to drag it out. So the options for him where say he was sorry and sleep on the sofa or I leave and find somewhere else to sleep for the night. I miss sleeping next to him but I am soooooo angry right now that I might try to kill him subconsciously while Im sleeping.

Im sure tomorrow is going to be as bad as last year. I dont want him to buy anything, no even a card, just do something, anything, special...that he wouldnt do most other days for me. We'll see how that goes ::rolls eyes::.

Ive been having weird dreams lately. All about me being afraid to get married. Its been on my mind for awhile and it would certainly make things much easier insurance wise and all, I don't know if its right. I don't want to just go for it because we've been together so long and have it not work out because we are so young and arent ready for it or right for each other. I mean its one thing to live with someone but forever is a huge thing and things have only been getting rockier the past 4 years, not so much better or easier. Divorce is not an option for me, I won't put my children through that hell so I'm fine waiting to make sure its right. And recently, though Im sure the down swing has MUCH to do with it, it just doesnt feel right. I know his heart is breaking at he reads this, and it doesnt mean I love him any less, Im just trying to get my thoughts and feelings out. I dont do well with failer and I WONT fail at a marriage so I dont want to go into one feeling like the card are stacked against me.

Peace,
Ash

Current Music: "Dancing Nancies"~DMB

Captin America Said You Gotta Be Like Me Or You're Gunna End Up Dead...

2007-05-10T08:58:00.000-04:00

I got my ass kicked yesterday at work. Stupid me I thought cutting days where going to be easier...heeeeeeeeeeeeell no! I got worked over yesterday and I am soooooo sore. I wouldve still worked today if it hadnt been for this huge fight I got in with matty that lead to me hurting my hand and burtings the huge cyst I had on it. The upside is now I wont have to have surgery on it to get it removed but there is a chance that it will grow back...and then Im in touble. Anyway, I texted Mike and talked to him and he told me I was to stay home today and rest because tomorrow is going to be another ruff day. Ive been having a ton of fun with him and Im kinda sad that we dont get to hang out today.

So what am I going to do with this whole day to myself? I dunno!!! I guess Ill call up some ppl I havent hung out with for awhile and see if I can get some plans going. I dont have a lot of money right now since I havent gotten a paycheck in a couple weeks...in fact I need to go check my account balance before I hop off the computer.

Matt and I may be getting a car soon. A free one no less. Its a 97 Jeep Cherokee, dark blue and its our friends. He has had some problems recently and has come upon a great deal of money because of those problems so he's getting a new car and basicaly giving us his old one after he does some work on it to make sure everything is running ok. Sweet deal for us because it doesnt look like Im going to get a new car anytime soon and I cant keep the wagon forever. So now we wont have to pay for a car and when we do get the money for a new one matt can take the jeep and Ill have a new car...works out best for us all! Im pretty happy about that. Hopefully we'll get it in the next month cuz Im kinda excited to drive a big bad car around for a little while. I mean grandy was a tank and this wagon and a little bitch. I want a monster again for a little bit. Ok Im going to take a nice hot bath to get my muscles losened up since they're all stiff from yesterday.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Captin America"~Moe.

Wake Now, Discover that You are the Song that the Morning Brings

2007-05-07T18:15:00.000-04:00

So things have been changing a little bit in the past few weeks. Things feel apart a little bit with my perfect admin job and I pretty much was forced to leave. So with that I started applying to tons of places but no one was getting back to me. So after the 2nd week at home I needed something. That's when I hit up Mike (my neighbor) and talked to him about working for his landscaping company and it is by far the BEST job I have ever had. Whenever Mike and I hang out we have these great conversations that last hours and we have the SAME exact personalities, its amazing, he could be my brother or something. So why would this not be an amazing job for me!?

My 1st day out with him was hard, we've been doing mainly clean ups which is a lot of labor. (I can't wait til we have a few days of just cutting grass). We busted our asses and finished the job in 7 hours vs the 15+ it would have taken him without me there. The whole time hanging out, talking, joking around, and listening to stories of his days following the Dead on tour!!! Then we finished off the day with a nice bowl. I couldn't have a more perfect job or a more awesome boss. I don't care that I come home beat to hell...I'm going to be in amazing shape and have a nice tan (but awful tan lines) by the end of the summer. I COULD NOT BE MORE HAPPY!!!!!!!!

Not much else going on right now. Pat has been over hanging out with us a lot....which is...huh okay. He isn't working right now because of the accident so he has far too much free time and has texted us everyday to see if we wanted to hang out. The kid is okay and all but he will drive us nuts real quick and really can't take more than one day a week with him.

This weekend was awesome. Hung out with my bff Jackie Friday and took a trip and watched a Dispatch video. Then Saturday Matt and Jenn came over and we hung and drank. We even got Jenn to drink! I know hell was freezing over while it was taking place! They left around 10:30 and Matty drove me over to Bennigans to hang out with the crew for Maria's 21st and I got completely wasted! I know Joe drove me home but I don't remember getting home or anything that followed besides sitting in bed with a bad case of the spinnies. Then Sunday Matt and Jenn came over again along with Pat and we just hung out, watched tv and played poker. I kicked their asses!!!

Today I worked with Mike and had another awesome day with him, talking about everything. By the end of the summer I will know this man's life story!

Peace,
Ash

Current Music: "Eyes of the World"~Grateful Dead

She Dances While His Father Plays Guitar, She's Suddenly Beautiful. And We All Want Something Beautiful, I Wish I was Beautiful

2007-04-27T12:31:00.000-04:00

random week!! little T has been sick so thats been a big stress. I dropped Janie off with Robs family hoping that it might help his lungs to be away from her for awhile...or forever we'll see how it goes. While I was down there I stopped to see my grandparents because they got home from FL early. Talked to them for a bit and then found I had a text from Rob asking if Id like that bike ride Ive been begging him about for years now lol. So I stopped back over there and we went out of awhile...I fucking loved it! Then I headed back home, went over my mom's with the baby and had dinner there.

Lets see what else has been going on. I guess that must have been Tuesday because Wednesday Matt and I went to champps after the little one went to bed and had a few drinks and relaxed. Yesterday was my brother lacrosse game so Tristen and I spent 2 hours at the high school watching that.

So the randomness falls in the part about me hearing from Rob (since I havent heard from him since early January) and the fact that I got ahold of Paige (rich's sister, who I grew up next to)!!! Hopefully Ill see Rich again next week for dinner or something and Im trying to talk Paige into coming along too because I want to see her so bad. I saw her pic on facebook and I cant believe how pretty she grew up to be. She was one of those cute kids that could go either way when she got older, looks wise, but it worked out for her. Then maybe sometime over the summer Ill go up to their house to meet the two little ones and visit the rest of the family. I am still SOOOOOO happy that I was able to get ahold of Richard. The highlight of my month still.

Tonight Jackie is coming over for dinner, I havent seen her in months now and I miss her like crazy. Her life has been really stressful so I dont push us hanging out but I am glade that things are now starting to fall in place for her. Then Saturday we're hanging out with Matt and Jenn, maybe we can talk Jenn into going out somewhere with us, or drinking. I dont feel like sitting at home! And Sunday its the bros soccer game and not much else. So if anyone misses me and would like to make plans please hit me up!

It looks like Im going to be working with Mike downstairs for a bit. He is really backed up at work and I LOVE working out side so I think Ill be a lot of fun. Im also going to be doing a bunch of his admin stuff that he hates doing, that way he doesnt have to take a day off to do it. That all came about when I was blasting dispatch the other day and he sent me a text saying "Im liking the music up there". After some talking I found out he had never heard of disptach, suprising because they have such a big underground scene, I thought he wouldnt been a big fan. So I ran down to drop off a bunch of cds for him to listen to and thats when we got into talking about me helping him out.

So things have been going good. Of course there are stresses, money is always the main one. But other then that Ive been on the up swing of things. That seems to be about it for now!

Peace,
Ash

Current Music: "Mr Jones"~Counting Crows

Birthday Recap

2007-04-18T09:32:00.000-04:00

So this job turned out not to be everything i thought it would be. Pay sucks, how can I bring in a 100 interviews a week when they dont keep the ads updated. They weren't willing to train me in the rest of the stuff I needed to know yet and I was getting bored as hell. But I call in sick one day and I go in the next to find my stuff THROWN out!!!!!!! I had pictures of Tristen and art work he has done for me around my desk and they were thrown out and there was stuff from the other girl there (they were hiring someone else to help me out), who hadnt even started working yet. So I called up my boss and he said she is going to work full time now and I am going to work part time, she will get most of the credit for the interviews aka most of the money from them, and I just have to suck it up. So needless to say I am looking for a new job. Please hook me up if u can. I really need something that pays decent because I need to save for a new car...I can't drive around the station wagon around forever.

So I'm awful down right now if you can't tell. Things were going pretty for awhile, I had a great birthday and all but this has killed me.

So last weekend was a blast. Friday we went to the Phillies game, college nigt, and ran into a BUNCH of cherokee people. We spent most of the night just me, matt, jenna, and joe but ran into chris long and drank with some of his friends. It was freaking freezing at the game, like 40 degrees or something. But the dollar dogs were worth it!!! We took off from the game before the game ended because of the cold and somehow made it to the bar an hour plus later! Joe missed the exit for 295 and we kept listening to jenna which lead to more wrong turns so some how we went from 676 to berlin??? We made it there just before Rach got there though (it was her birthday) so it was good. There were a good number of us there, 20 total. Some people I haven't seen in awhile and a crowd of people I really miss hanging out with!

We got nice and buzzed and before I knew it Jenna was on the floor! Joe had to carry her out of the bar and then put her down about 2 feet infront of the door and she managed to fall face first through them. Thats when Matty grabbed her and drug her out on her heals. Haha then she started walking away from us in the parking lot so I grabbed her, got her over the curb and let go so I could go get Kelly and she feel face first on the pavement. Then when we got back to my house she kissed me good bye...on the lips lol and stubbled back into the car. God I missed my Jenna. I love that girl to death and forgot how much I love spending time with her! She told us later that when Joe dropped her off he told her brother Franky to help her inside and she stood on the step and feel off, sideways, into the bushes and needed him to carry her in. FUNNY SHIT!!

Then we went out later on Saturday night to TGI Fridays and hung out for my birthday. Me, Matty, Rach, her b/f and his friends, Jenna, Joe, Chris, and Rooney all came and we got a little drunk for my birthday. We had a pretty good time. Then the next day Kara, out waitress, sent me a message saying she got no tip on a $140 bill so I feel awful and Im gunna have to go in and make sure it gets taken care of.

Sunday, my birthday, we hung out at home most of the day because it was so shitty out and then went to Champps for dinner with my mom, brother, and david. It was a pretty good birthday weekend.

Tonight we're going to lankmark with jenna and joe again and some othe ppl from hs but I have no idea who. Then Friday we're going to Old City to do some bar hopping to really bring in my birthday. That should be fun, I dont want to leave til I cant walk! Come on, I didnt get drunk on my birthday so Friday will be my night to do so. (I dont really have the money to do it tonight and Friday, I'm job hunting as it is!)

Ok I am freaking tired of typing. I dont care about typos or things that dont make sense. Take me as I am!

Yay For Me

2007-04-07T20:02:00.000-04:00

I'll be 21 in a week!! I'm not even all that excited, I don't want any gifts or parties, I'm just glade that I can order a drink and not have to look like an ass when the waiter askes me for ID. I won't hate going out with the inlaws to dinner so much, a slight buzz will take away the erge to kill them both. Not completely but it will dull it down maybe to more of a smacking erge!!!

Most of all I'm excited to start going out with people from work every Thursday and not worry about getting carded...just relax and have a good time. I dont think they know how young I am. Maybe because I am more mature that most 20 year olds, or maybe because I have a son. Ok I have to go because matt wants me to make him a drink.

Peace,
Ash

A Good Week!!

2007-03-31T14:32:00.001-04:00

Wow am I tired. This past week was my 1st full week at my new job and Im wiped out!!!!! The other girl that was suppose to start pulled a no call no show on her 1st full day so that ment I had to work 9-5 this week instead of 7-3. Next week will be more of the same which sucks because I dont get home til after 6 so i miss dinner w/ the family, I dont have much time to play with tristen, and Im leaving work the same time as every other mother fucker in philly so I hit and insane amount of traffic. It was a rather stressful week getting adjusted and all. It doesnt help that the girl never fully trained me because she was too bother by me slowing down her work with all my questions to take the time to show me what to do so I wouldnt be clueless. Needless to say monday I had to stay til 6 and I got out late 3 of the other days as well. Hopefully he's paying me more for this week though, like he told me earlier during the week. He seemed to have forgotten about that when I was talking to him on Friday and he was talking about my pay. I hate talking to people about that but its a $100 difference so Ill just suck it up. Oh and of course the program that I need to do pretty much every part of my job started acting up and I wasnt able to fix it and had to write everything down. Now when we get it running I'm going to have an extra 2 days worth of work to do to bring it up to date. Grrrrr. The computer is gay and old too, since the girl that was there before me took hers to the new office, but I was able to talk my boss, Moose, (short for Mooseburger, he last name) into buying a new one for me. Flat screen and all so it wont take up so much room on the desk.

I really have found the perfect job because his company has pretty much just opened (he branhed off an bigger company to start his own and this is the 1st week his has been running) and I control such a huge part of it that I pretty much run it. I am in charge of the companies growth in a nut shell along with running the office. Even better in his first week open he already made a $4,000 profit. Not much companies loose money for the 1st few years just because of the cost to get it up and running but the nice thing about the one he branched off of was while he was still with them, the money the he made off the the guys working under him that he had trained was being put into a fund for him to use when he got started. So he already had $12,000 to open and office and pay for all the shit he needed without having it cut into his profits. And since we have no warehouse, no product to move and he has to pay for is rent, my salary, and the day to day bull shit around the office like paper, internet and phone service. What a great buisness model. If your someone who isn't relly sure what you wanna do but you wanna work with a lot of fun ppl (and we have a shit load of fun there) and your looking to make like $40 grand in your 1st year then you gotta check out company out!!!! Corconcepts.net is the mother company that we, EFG Marketing, branched off of. But the girl running cor concepts is the one who hired me and all and she's nuts. 27 years old, has been doing this for 4 years and made over a MILLION last year!!!! Moose is already on his way to making well above $150,000 and he has been working for this company for a year and a half!!!!! I kid you not.

Other than that a lot has been going on. Hung out with our downstairs neighbor Mike on monday and listened to him and his buddy jam out. Then hung out with him again last night.

The best part of the week for me by far was getting ahold of the kid I grew up next to in Edgewater Park, Richard Francesco who moved at the end of 6th grade. I new the kid since I was 3 and hadnt seem him since before 8th grade when I went to visit him. My mom had his grandfather as a patient and he told her that Rich was going to St Joes which is about a mile down the street from where I work. So through seeing apps from kids who go there I figured out what he email address might be and got in contact with him. We went out for dinner last night and I had such a great time. First of all I was SHOCKED when I saw him because he use to be this weird thin kid who loves dinosaurs and talked with a little lisp and now he's soooo different. His face sorta looks the same but I never thought he end up turning into a good looking guy. I guess I still exspected him to look like he was 12! lol He also looks a little like Ben. He has the build upper body, the swimmers build, and he jsut reminded me of him a lot when we were talking. We're going to get along great!!! Maybe even better then when we were kids haha. (god we use to play together EVERY day when we were younger). He's into classic rock like I am, more into the heavier stuff where as I like the mellow foke kinda stuff. He's a little bit of a stoner, plays the base, we cant stand the same types of people and it just seems that we've had a lot of the same stuff go on in our lives over years. He was blown away when I told him Im a mom even though he saw the car seat in my car when I picked him up. I would LOOOOVE to go see his family and maybe one weekend Ill go out there to visit. We promised each other we'd make it like a once a month thing though because we really did have a great conversation. By far the highlight of my week. Ive been wanting to get in contact with him for years and I almost pissed myself when he responded to my email.

Damn it was a really good week!!! Just wish I had spent more time with my little one.

Peace,
Ash

New Job

2007-03-15T14:39:00.000-04:00

Yay st pattys day is coming up...my 2nd favorite holiday of the year after halloween. So I think we're going to Amy's party and as much as I would love to get completely wasted I dont think its going to happen cuz one of us has to drive home and w/ matt working early it should be me. I forgot until now that he has to work the next day so it looks like we'll be toning it down this year. Maybe I can get him to nap during the day so he'll be well rested and no so sleepless the next day. I should talk to my mom soon too about tristen spending the night, or Sean coming here to watch him.

Tomorrow night I think Ill be hanging out w/ Corinne. She invited me over cuz shes having a girls night so I think Ill drop by for a bit. I have a feeling she saw some of my pics from last weekend and got the idea from them. Anyway Ill run it by matt and if not then we'll hang out here w/ matt and jenn.

So the company im going to work for called me the other day and asked if I could start next thursday instead of the following monday. That works for me, Corinne is more than happy to take him a few days earlier and its extra money for me to put away for a car. Besides its only going to be a 1/2 day of work for the 1st to days.

In case I havent put it on here yet, I applied on monster.com for a job w/ this company in NE Philly and after a couple interviews I got it. My job is to look over applications, set up interviews, and great them as they come in the office. 7-2, not bad. At least I wont hit all the traffic even if I do have to drive i76, its on off hours. For the 1st 2 hours in the morning Ill be by myself because no one really comes in til 9 so thats nice too. Ill get to listen to all the preston and steve I want. I also am to play music in the office because its more welcoming and inviting and I get to play w/e it is that I like as long as its not offensive and none of my music is so awesome. I dont have time to listen to a lot of music these days so I can finally catch up on new stuff from my jam favorite. The pay sucks at 1st but I get commion based on how many applicants I can get to schedule for interviews and then more money for each on that shows up. The girl that works there now pulls in about $60,000 a year. The only problem is right now it going to be split because he is hirng two of us to do her 1 job because there is a lot of work going into it. But he said if one of us greatly outshines the other, and seeing how I picked the 1st shift and will mostly be incharge of bringing in aps, hopefully it wont be hard to outshine her and bump her off the chain. At that point, if it gets to that, they whoever is pulling most of the weight will get a $200 salary raise and the other person will be fired, replaced w/ someone working part time who will not share in the commision.

Ok GH is on so Im going.

Peace,
Ashlee

I Hate When People Arent Respectful Of Your Home

2007-03-12T10:08:00.000-04:00

After much b/s on thr part of matt's parents on the issue of a new heater/ac they finally went with a company and there are here right now installing it. However, like the 1st company they wanted to go with, I thought these guys were going to put tarps down before they tracked dirt all through my house...but now. So I have a 5x5 plastic sheet i put down but that doesnt cover nearly enough of the area they are destroying. Just clean the carpets u say, well my mom's carpet cleaner is missing a piece at the moment, which I will next go online to search for, and spews water out of it as soon as u load it in there. I would like the whole house done in the near furture but matt thinks thats too out of the question. Sorry, I have a son that I dont want playing on a dirty ass rug...maybe Im weird, its just me.

peace,
ashlee

Matt Damon!!

2007-02-27T14:19:00.000-05:00

Yay I got my new cell today! It going to be a pain in the ass copying all my numbers and setting it up. And then I have to d/l new games and take new pictures of the baby and learn how to use it. I loved my old phone but its been acting up and thats why I went with the new one. Ill give it a week and if I dont like it by then Ill either return it or give it to matt and wait until he can re-up in march and pic a new one out then. It been a long time since Ive had a motorola and I really like my LG. Im a creature of habit hehe.

Life has been good, very good to me the past few weeks. Matt and I have been doing well, one fight in a few months isnt bad. Money is getting much better and that is thr biggest w8 off my shoulders. Ive been happy for the 1st time in awhile and Ive been trying very hard to get my head back on track on my own, I dont want to depend on meds and I really believe if I work at it long enough Ill be able to. I may need an outside force, like a counsler for when I hit the walls along the way, just to help show me paths and ideas Im having a hard time seeing through the haze, but Ill be ok. Im going to do it own my own!

Peace,
Ashlee

Currently Listening To: Preston and Steve Podcast

I Heart Preston And Steve

2007-02-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

Matt and I got a new computer and I love it. Its my new favorite toy hehe. His computer is pretty much dead so he is going to take it apart and piece it together back in my desktop and we bought the laptop so that I would have something to use while he played games. It's both of ours to share but its my baby :-). I have something to keep my busy during class when I get bored. I hate taking notes so finally I have no excuse not to take then. Now I need a carrying case for it, I think I'll head to walmart today and pick up some fabrice for it.

I'll be able to catch up on my Preston and Steve podcasts now which I havent listen to since X-mas. For those of you who don't know who they are, check out the site and listen to some shows. They are the funnest guys. I have never listened to any other morning show and never will because these guys give you everything you need.

Nothing huge going on. Took forever for our side of the street to melt after that ice storm we had. We get no sun on this side and the god damn mexicans didnt shovel our part so by the time they did it was all ice and no snow and they didnt bother to get rid of the ice. Then as it melted off the roof it drained on the sidewalk and we had a good 2 inches of ice the whole length of the sidewalk. I had to call up 4 times and ended up bitching out the property manager before they came out and took care of it. And great for us, its going to happen again. When is this mess suppose to start, tonight? I should spend more time paying attention when the news is on. Looks like I'll be making more calls. Mike (the guy below us) we pretty pissed to and he's writting her a nice little letter about that, and several other things.

Thats about it. I was thinking about calling my dad today and seeing if I could pick him up for lunch...NO KAREN. We'll see if I end up doing it.

Peace,
Ashlee

I Can't Think Of A Place More Perfect For A Person As Perfect As You

2007-02-15T12:51:00.000-05:00

I've never been much of a Valentines day person. It's not that anything bad has ever happened on it, I've had some great ones, but that it is far too fake. It's a holiday for people who have just started dating or have been together less than a year. Because let's face it after the 1st V-day they dont mean so much anymore. It is so typical of our society today that we have to set aside to show our partners we love them, cut me a break. I don't buy into the whole cards, flowers, candy, and chocolate thing, I'd rather do just what I did; sit @ home with matt all day and have time to ourselves. A small thoughtful gift or act is much better than all the roses in the world. There are far too many holidays as it is, can we get rid of this one please?

How bout all this ice, crazy huh? I proke my scrapper because I was beating the car windows w/ it. Please the ice wa too thick to scrap off and my car doesn't defrost so well (I only have 5 out of 15 lines on the back windshield that work) and once I cracked the ice it broke off better anyway. I went out in search of a new one but at last they are all gone. I'm sure stores weren't carrying much of that stuff anyway because it's been such a warm winter and they sold out as soon as the 1st weather man said "lots of snow". I guess I'll have to wait a week or so and hope there is no more ice. Snow I can take because the brush part of it is still intact.

Mike (the guy below us) has been playing a lot of dmb recently which I'd never heard him listen to before so that makes me happy. I had Matt text him to tell him I said he rocks and he told me he's checking out songs his band is going to cover. That means we're gunna have to start going to some of his shows if they are going to cover Dave. Don't worry Matt I'm not going to run away w/ Mike and leave you...after all he doesnt play the guitar lol. Speaking of I think I'm going to end my blog here and go play some!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "hell in a bucket"~the Grateful Dead

Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time

2007-02-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

Nothing big going on these days. This past weekend we took Tristen to Penns Landing to go ice skating and he had sooooo much fun. Damn me for forgeting my camera...bad mommy. Matt didn't do bad @ all for it being his 1st time ice skating, I was impressed. We had suuuuuch a blast I wish we couldve stayed longer but someone was hungry and needed to eat.

We hung out w/ Matt and Jenn a couple nights this weekend. Got blastered (<<haha jenn) Friday, not so sure how I didn't get sick, while playing this family guy drinking game. We picked a few things and drank every time they did them:
~every time brain and stewie fight
~flashback
~every time a non family guy character makes an appearance
~each gay reference

there were a couple more but I forget what they were. Anyway we had to take a shot for each and after 5 shots in the 1st 5 min we had to hit pause so we could catch up. I think we were @ 10ish shots before the show was over and we didn't bother watching the last 10 min haha. yeah so next time I don't think we'll do shots, we'll try mixed drinks or 1/2 shots or something. Then me, Jenn, and her Matt played go-fish and I couldn't even read the numbers on the cards in my hand. Fun times. Matt and I didn't see the point in leaving 2 shots left in the captain so we each took one and then the 3 of us (my matt had passed out already) watched some more family guy.

Saturday was ice skating and then Matt & Jenn came over again. We played poker and drank most of the night, some black jack, and then taboo before they went home. Sunday Matt and I didn't do much of anything. I went over Alicia's to see her little and to let Tristen play w/ her sisters son. Was there til 4 and then Matt and I hung out @ home eating KFC for dinner. I think that was the 1st time I had ever had their food, not bad.

Tonight I have no class, yay, my car doesn't like 295 or willingboro so she's happy too. I would like to get some food shopping done but Im not going to worry about it before it snows because I dont feel like fighting 1/2 of Marlton for a parking spot!

shit GH is on!
peace.
Ashlee

Happy 3 Years

2007-02-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

YeahI just realized that as I was signing in just now that I've had this blog for 3 years. Rock on!! I've been doing a pretty good job keeping up with it too. More than I ever thought I would. Whenever I've lept a journal as soon as my life didn't suck or got busy I would forget to right in it but not mr blogger. That coulc also be because its soooo much easier to type out a big long entry than it is to write one by hand.

Yay for the superbowl...LETS GO COLTS!!!!!!!!!

I've liked the Colts for awhile now. Of course the Eagles are #1 in my heart until the end of time but the Colts have been gaining ground in there for a few years now. The only thing I can't stand is that Payton is such a freaking tool. Who is tired of his 15 different commercials, some dont even involve football, on tv everday? ::raises hand:: i know he's hot and has a rockin body but I'm kinda tired of seeing him TRY to act in these awful things. Anyway he is a better quarter back that Grossman by FAAAAAAAAAAAAR and even though the Bears have the better defense, they're offense is farther behind the Colts than the Colts d is behind the Bears, make sense. It does to me. So I'm pulling for the Colts on this one and if the Bears win I'll be pretty damn shocked.

I'm going to dress Tristen in his Eagles outfit just because that is what he wears on Sundays when football is on hehe. He won't be able to wear it much longer so he might as well get one last use out of it.

So my life, no involving football, has been good. Yesterday Matt had off so we just hung out at home and then took the baby out to B&N to interact with some other kids. Then I went over Corinne's for dinner so the little ones could hang out and play. I feel bad for her sometimes. She's such a great girl and I think...I know she could do better than Dan but we can't help who we love and if she is happy w/ him then that's the end of the story. No one's perfect so you can't judge.

I over booked myself tomorrow. I;m sure Jackie and I are getting together because monday is our day to hang out and my mom is off then too and likes to go out and do stuff w/ me. Then I want to go see Heather (who I worked with at fridays) but I don't think I'll have enough time to make it over there. So I should go message her now and see if Tuesday will work. ugh and I have homework to do, blah I hate homework.

Peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "That Was Crazy Game Of Poker"~OAR

Hey My Friend, I See You Eyes Are Troubled. Care To Spend Your Time With Me?

2007-02-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

I looooooove capt. yes I do. its been far too long since I've been drunk. I don't even think I'm that gone if I can type out a blog. 12 or so shots in two hours, I could use some more. But at last everyone has gone home and matt is sleeping and if I drank alone that would make me a drunk...like my father...so I have to suck it up. Sunday...when that fucking Colts win, I will drink my ass off then I will be happy.

I miss drinking, I could get use to this when I turn 21 in a few months...2...yay.

Peace,
ash

Current Music: "Best Of Whats Around"~DMB

Cuz I Am Listenin To What You Got, Hold Up Your Hands If You Want Me To Stop

2007-01-31T21:29:00.000-05:00

its been a good day. tristen was rather trying, and continues to be during meal times. i guess his throat hurts like mine and matt's from this damn cold because all he wants to eat is baby food an cereal...he wont feed himself. he should be getting more independent not the other way around. anyway that reminds me that i need to go out and buy some more cereal since we've been out for a few days and home made french toast isnt cutting it for him

so yesterday was spent doing car things. my DL has been mia for far too long now so o sucked it up and went to the DMV, or MVC w/e they changed it to, to get a new one. he was suuuuuch a good boy there. just sat in a chair looking cute and ate goldfish, what more could i ask for. i ran into one of the girls that use to work @ fridays so it was nice catching up w/ her a little while i waited. then i headed out to pemberton for inspection since its january and i had to. so yeah i failed. did u know that even if u have 4 turn signals in the front (two on each side) if 1 is out u fail. that means if u have one of this fancy new car w/ them on ur side mirrors and its out...u fail. that and my window. everyone told me they didnt need to work but the state of new jersey says otherwise and they suck. so now i have this REJECTED sticker on there. they couldnt put FAIL....they put rejected to make ur car feel like crap...and she is moodly enough as it.

then i stopped in to see my mom @ work and let her co-workers see the little one since she works only a few miles away. they had a really slow day too so we stayed for like and hour and walked around to talk to people. then i stopped around the corner to surprise my mom-mom. tristen took to her rather well i was kinda shocked. he didnt even care when i went outside to shovel for her and he normally would flip shits. she was over joyed to see me so that made me feel good.

today ive been hanging at home, did come chem stuff and then ate dinner @ my mom's. well i brought the stuff and just cooked dinner over there for me matt and tristen because my mom has a grill and lets face it u can only eat steak if it was cooked on a grill. then matt went to class and we headed over to cherokee to watch sean wrestle. he got pinned. poor kid, ruff year. 2 wins...thats it. he has never has a losing season...he's never had less than a dozen or so wins. big ego check, he needed it after soccer season gave him a big head. my mom is loving this, as she should. what parent wouldnt love 6 mins of their smart mouthed teenage getting their face shoved into a matte?? k matt needs me hehe.

peace,
Ash

Current Music: "Cover This"~ Dispatch

2007-01-30T20:36:00.000-05:00

there were these two prego girls who sat next to me in class today and the one had the cutest tummy. i want that so bad, am i weird? i cant wait until im at a place in my life where i can start having more kids. made me kinda depressed because @ the rate im going w/ school itll take me 9 years to get there. cant i just learn but not go to school. and bcc internet classes suck big fat ass. i hate the bulletin boards that u have to post a 100 million messages on. im tired of teachers that dont teach, just talk talk talk about anything but still test on what was SUPPOSE to be taught. cut me a break, i could cut class and learn more!

sigh class tonight and after the driving and lack of class last night have put me in a anti school mood...too early on in the semester. in fact it put me in a stay @ home and have a million kids kinda mood. cant wait for the 2nd one in a few more years.

peace,
ashlee

Don't Believe The Florist When He Tells You That The Roses Are Free

2007-01-23T23:22:00.000-05:00

I've been doing better...better than I have been in a long time. Money still stresses the hell out of me but I'm working on a new job so we'll see how it goes. I have my productive days and my not so productive ones. Todays was the 2nd...tomorrow needs to be the 1st. Maybe I'll take some adderral tomorrow to get my ass in gear though I should be saving the few I have left for work and school...and school work. Yup school...I'm back in it...huge relief. 2 classes nothing big but once I get my shit together I'm going to over load myself. Making money is #1 right now.

Matt and I have been good...though he still doubts me...I can see it in his eyes. Will that ever go away, is it even worth trying to win over?

I forsee a down swing in my near future, tomorrow or the day after. I've had too many good days in a row for it not to be around the corner. At least I can tell when its coming and brace myself...or maybe that makes me depressed sooner knowing its coming. Guess I can't win. My bed calls me now.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Song: "Roses Are Free"~phish

Feel The Change

2007-01-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

I had a really nice dinner w/ matt last night. It wasn't anything special, we just went to ott's in delran and had some chicken figures and moz sticks, but it was nice to hang out and talk, just us, no baby. We were over @ bcc doing the whole signing up bullshit (which didnt happen because there were 20 of us in like, us being # 10 or so and they were only going to get time for 6 people) and we decided we needed to do something for ourselves while my mom was watching the baby. I can't wait til april, we'll be able to hang out w/ our friends at bars and not sit @ home. Something else to do.

Not much else going on. Ive been in a pretty good mood recently, much more productive. Its easy for me to be lazy and unmotivated but im trying really hard to get off my ass when the baby is napping and do something. I miss how clean the place use to be ALL the time. Its going to take a lot of work but Im going to get it back that way. I'm trying as hard as I can to pull myself as far out of this as I can w/o any help. Because lets face it, right now I dont have the money or the means for counsling and meds. Id rather not be on them anyway, I like being me and not a more "controlled" me. It also helped a lot that I was able to tie up the lose ends of some of my past destructive behavors and I've come to a place w/ both of them that I can live with be happy.

Peace.
Ashlee

Look Both Ways & DISPATCH With A Quickness

2007-01-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

today was a good day. started off slow but then i met fink @ the mcdonalds by me for lunch. worse day EVER to go since kids had off. couldnt find a spot to part w/ all the mini vans...i hate mini vans. we ate and then took tristen to go play in the tubes. since he's so small we had to go up w/ him to make sure he was ok and he could get out and all. that wasnt so easy since there were a million kids in there so u couldnt get around...not like we could anyway considering we're about 10 years too old for it. a few of the older boys kept stepping right over tristen instead of waiting a min and we had to yell @ a few of them. of course it was only the boys that were rude and pushy. one kid pushed tristen down...like walking right up to him and put his arms out for the purpose of knocking him down. so of course i had to make sure the kid left feeling like crap for picking on a baby because he got in his way. male ego's ill tell u, they'll destroy this world one day if the women dont do a better job of keeping ontop of things. i wonder wut would happen if we stuck one of those tubes, but adult size, in the center of the House floor? Much of the same thing w/ the pushing and the shoving. Im sure Bush would be the 1st on in it, and the 1st to cry to his mommy when a bigger kid hurt him lmao.

so jackie and i have a nice time. we only ever do stuff here when i see her so it was nice to go out and do something.

then when matt got home we took tristen to the playground for a 1/2 hour or so before it got dark and ended up eating dinner @ my mom's. we had fun, when dinner was done the 4 of us and the baby hung out on the floor in her living floor throughing balls (soft pillow like ones) at each other as hard as we could...for awhile...until we starting breaking things. and my mom wonders why my brother breaks so much shit on her walls (like a picture frame a week). she plays w/ us, what do u expect? it was a lot of fun though. so thats about it. matt is naggin me to get off so we can hang out a little before he passes out. sweet his pants are off g2g lol.

Peace,
ashlee

Current Song: "Cut It/Match It"~Dispatch

See That Girl Barefootin' Along? Whistlin' & Singin', See's Carryin On

2007-01-14T15:51:00.000-05:00

I feel like a great w8 has been lifted off my shoulders. My lose ends are tied up and I feel like the mess I brought upon myself last april is finally coming to an end. It's been ruff, I have almost destroyed my life in the process but lucky I am as insiteful as I am...I was able to figure out what my problems were, change myself and then fix the messed w/ the people around me as well. It will take a long time until the effects are mear scares on the hearts of everyone involved and not these bleeding gashes, but everything heals w/ time. I feel a little bit more free. While @ the same time I have come to realize I've lost a lot of my friends during my selfish phase. Some of those friends however have been drifting for some time now and weren't as good friends to me as I was to them. And I'm ok that they don't agree with my life anymore because I don't agree w/ going out and getting trashed 5-6 nights a week after work and then trying to find my way home, no doubt driving drunk some nights in the process. I'm a better person then that.

So I guess its time for me to put myself out there more. Ive been rather inside myself these past months because of my depression but I feel this need to be around people more. But where do I start. Fallow a friend path and start online? I'm sure there are a lot of groups for mom's in the area out there, sabrina found some people that way. Maybe I should look too.

Thank you for sticking with me matt. I love you. I hope we can make this something worth while. I hope we can stop hurting each other because we hurt inside, I dont want to hurt you, I love you. I chose you once upon an August what seems like forever ago and I made that choice from my heart because not only where you the one person in my life that knew me better then I knew myself, but because you were the one who had saved me so many times when I needed to be saved....to this day you still save me. You've never let me, you have always caught me when I've fallen and you give me a reason and the strength to get back up. No more fighting because of the pain ok? I love you.

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "The Golden Road (to Unlimited Devotion)"~ The Grateful Dead

Football Season Is Ending Too Fast

2007-01-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

Damn we lost!!! Can you believe it? That flying touchdown by Westbrook was hot shit, I called 2 touchdowns on him, I'm a football master!

I was calling for the Colts to pull the upset today and I've been saying since last sunday that we're not going to pull today off. 2 for 2 today in my game calling. tomorrow I'm going w/ the Seahawks over the Bears and the Chargers to go all the way to the superbowl...and win it. the end!

I need to find a pick of Dawkins' flying tackle last week and B. West's flying touchdown this week. FLY EAGLES FLY thats what its all about. In fact, I'm going to start collecting shots like that. Yup yup think so.

Well, it was sweet while it lasted. Who would've thought we'd make it this far on a back up qb? Thats Garcia for stepping up and kicking ass. Hey we still went from 1st to last to 1st again in the NFC East and, what now cowgirls, gaints, and skins, eat shit!!!!

Peace,
Ferg

2007-01-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

GO EAGLES!!!!!!!!!! saints suck, NFC champs are we, all others suck!

Its a Big World After All

2007-01-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

Worried and very scared. Im sry I dont talk to you more, I will for now on. I dont expect you to understand what Im going through, its one of those "you have to live it to know" kind of things. Don't worry, its my own personal little hell so dont think my bad deeds are going unpunished.
Hating: everything. The only reason I was able to get up this morning was because there was this ever so cute little baby stroking my face trying to wake me, I love him more than anything in this world.
The rest of the world, well it sucks pretty bad. Ive made my mistakes and I know I must face whats to come, I just want out of this black hole Ive been trapped in. The hole is what started my bad thought process, the selfishness, the lying, the cheating, the lack of motive to do anything. And while I can change the causes, I cant escape the effect and I fear that in time it will win again and Ill be sent right back here. I want to be happy. I miss the feeling. For a short time I was able to find it in other ways and places but at the cost of everyone around me. I need to just be happy on my own, sitting alone in a room listening to music use to make me happy, playing with the baby, spending time with matt, I want these things to bring me joy again. I miss happiness.

Peace,
Ashlee

Oh You Have Been Up Above

2007-01-10T14:16:00.000-05:00

I HAVE DISPATCH TICKETS!!!!!!!!!

yes are broken up, and have been that way for about 2 1/2 years now. and it was the end of the world for me when i found out a left for school the weekend of their last ever show because it use to be the 3 D's: Dave Matthews Band, Dispatch, Dead.

and now they are playing 2 benifit shows up in NYC @ MSG...and i was lucky enough to catch wind of the presale last week because when it started today, the 1st show sold out in a matter of mins. But dont fear, they added the 2nd show and i found out in time to get kick ass tickets. so much for "presale" if they are sold out already...guess that means no post sale.

i love these guys though, i mean they have such an amazing sound and they hit that place in my soul that makes my heart flutter when i catch a note of one thier songs some place i least explect it. u know how some bands or songs do that to u? well they hit that spot, almost like dave hits it. im so freaking off the walls right now w/ excitement that it takes everything i have to sit here and type this instead of running around the room screaming the songs at the top of my lungs!!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "bullet holes"~Dispatch

Didn't You Love Me Faster Than A Devil?...Run Me Straight Into The Ground?

2007-01-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

I came across an old journal a few days ago and as I read through it, it eased a lot of the uneasy feelings and termoil in my life. It's the 1st time since making the choices I did that I went back over them again w/ matured eyes. I've been so hard on myself, I was lost @ the time and made the choices I thought would make me the happiest in life, what's so wrong about that. I need to stop beating myself up and most of all stop worrying about the others in my life @ that time and how I've changed/hurt them. I did what my heart wanted and I wouldn't change a thing knowing the things I do now.

Then I came across another journal that turned all of that around a little. I can't win when I don't know what it is I'm fighting with myself for? And why must I always fight myself? Why do I get in the way of my own happiness?

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Love & Memories"~OAR

Oh, Colder Grow the Days. Oh, Much Faster Pass the Years By...Til We Die

2007-01-08T16:07:00.000-05:00

I had this really great talk today and of all people to have it with, Jake. He's rather insiteful when he's under the influence and he brought up a lot of things that have been bothering me for YEARS about the strange and twisted relationship we have. Odd timing since I just had this talk with Matt a few nights ago. It all came down to the fact that we can be friends, it's just not in the stars for us and though we've tried it, it's never been a worth while. It's all or nothing and out all days have been long over now. But for the 1st time ever since knowing him, he brought it up, not me, and HE was the one that insisted we needed some type of closure. Yes the cycle, I've only brought it up in a couple DOZEN posts, has finally found its end!! And it's as great as I thought it would be. We cut all ties, he's changing his cell # (which he was going to do anyway), we've blocked on another's screen name and there really will be no way to contact the other. I wished him luck and was able to walk away from it feel happy. I've never gotten that out of an end to anything with him. We did it the right way too, during a phase where we were still on good terms. I feel REALLY good about it and I hope he does too because I feel like I can close that chapter of my life forever and look back with no regrets of "what if's". You may think its a kinda sad thing but it honesly made my day and I've been smiling ever since. I didn't shed one tear and I wouldn't have it any other way. He's finally given me the one thing I've been asking him for since the middle of high school.

So that seems to be about it. The Birds, that was the other thing that has made my day. I couldn't be more excited about their win last night. No wait, I could, they could've played MUCH better at the end of the game and not looked so tired and hopeless. If they play like this next week then we'll have no chance in hell to beat the Saints. Let's pull it together boys, we're not done yet!

Peace,
Ashlee

Current Music: "Help Myself"~ Dave Matthews Band

Who CRIES, Really?

2007-01-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

tony romo is now the biggest baby/fuck up in the NFL. that game was fucking awesome and i morn for those of u who didnt see it because u missed something pretty special.

on another note, i wrote this nice little note for the gaints:
1 2 eli we're coming 4 u
3 4 u aint gunna win no more
5 6 tiki u'll be shitting bricks
7 8 shocky we've sealed ur fate
9 10 EAGLES will win again

GO BIRDS!!!!

You Know, I mean 2 Tell You All The Things I've Been Thinking Deep Inside, My Friend

2007-01-05T14:56:00.000-05:00

been lost lately. i feel more lost and hurt and confused w/ each passing day. the sinking conts as i new it would. my biggest fear was that i wouldnt be able to bring myself back from here...and im starting to realize why i was so scared, its a scary place...a lonely place. im trying as hard as i can to not be selfish and not hurt the people around me in my path to this dark place, but its preventing me for expressing some of my true feelings which in turn caused me to hurt ppl more when i get to my breaking point.

i remembered why i was such a HUGE dave fan, and why i turned to his music and nothing else last time i was in this dark of a place. because he has a song for EVERY mood and emtion i have ever felt in my whole life. and @ any point there are a vast # of songs to pick from that will release everything you've trapped inside.

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "Crush"~Dave Matthews Band

Anger

2007-01-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

i recent u so much right now for caring so little about my well being when u should give a shit

I'm Broken, Don't Break Me

2007-01-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

bad dreams, negative thoughts, jealousy, angry all fill my thoughts these days. i shouldnt be jealous because i made the choice i wanted to make, but i am. so damn emotional and pissy that its killing me, i am never this mean and awful. im even short w/ the baby. the depression kills my drive to do anything, im not being as good of a mother as i want to be. i want to be more out going, i want to spend my day on the floor playing w/ him but all i ever do is sit there anymore. its so unfair to him. i cant pull myself out anymore, ive known that for awhile and it just makes it worse. and w/ the recent turn of events i sealed my fate...i NEED help and i dont have the money to get it. i hate money, its the biggest downer in my life. how am i ever going to turn around the mess i made of my life if i dont have the drive to. its all i think about at night and i swear the next day im going to step up and do something to change it but when the next day comes i just ignore what needs to be done and push it off the the next day...for MONTHS this has been going on now. im screaming and crying inside and no one can hear. matt cant even stay awake long enough to listen and then wonders why i bitch when he falls asleep every time he sits down, even if its 6pm! i still feel so very alone.

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "some devil"~ dave matthews

Thoughts

2007-01-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

so burnt out//hung over//worn out. last night was fun til matty had to leave to do the paper and matt started puking while he was shitting. poor jenn, "i dont think i can go in there and wipe his ass". haha

matty if that was u id go in there. i dont think id wipe ur ass but id pull up ur pants 4 u and save u.

i saved jenn last time someone went down, i couldnt be the one to do it again. im always the one talking ppl out of drinking too much or other distructive things and after a night of policing i just wanted to relax and let some else take care of jenn's matt.

ok tristen is getting into things so i should be going because all the sudden matt (who was keeping and eye on his) vanished.

peace,
ashlee

p.s. i have some crazy instincts

p.p.s. i cant believe the "baby craze" matt and i started. i just wish most of the ppl who decided they could raise a baby would not because theyve proven to be the worst parents. matt and i had this talk last night...everyone thinks babies are cute and yeah they are easy to take care of for the most part, but each day gets harder and if ur not up for guiding a child through life, u just like the thought of having a baby, then think again!! (i dont mean u...u know who u are...im talking about some of the other crazy bitches we grad'ed w/ that are doing the worst jobs parenting) when u have a child u are their parent above anything else. ur desires and need to be a young adult and party and have fun comes last. school, work, relationships all last (but still important). ur job becomes raising the child so they are healthy, happy, well adjusted people. and there are right and wrong ways to raise a kid and ALMOST everyone in our class who is trying to do this mommy thing has been pretty off track. then again the girls im talking about were EXTRA immature b4 they got knocked up, i wouldnt exspect a kid to change them that much.

k done, i dunno if that makes sense. nothing is spelled right, hung over, the end

...But Its All Over Now

2006-12-28T09:11:00.000-05:00

a little down, i will be for awhile, things have just been rather stressful here.

thank god the holidays are over, x-mas was nothing but driving around for us. tristen had the best time though and thats all the really matter, x-mas is about the kids really and seeing family. as u get older x-mas loosing its magic and flare, the presents become less thoughtful and more like "oh cuz i feel like i have to get you something, here is money or a gift card". when its not about getting a present or its price. its about something meaningful that u saw and knew a certain person would enjoy. but in whole, its about the kids and watching them light up as they open all these toys they didnt even know they had coming.

well someone is done the rest of his breakfast so this was short and sweet. hope everyone had a greet holiday(s) and to those of you i havent made it to yet, maybe sometime this week(end) ill be able to stop up there for a visit.

peace,
ashlee

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T21:51:00.001-05:00

for x-mas i would like to birds to beat the dallas cowgirls. i know we can, i just hope they know we can and make it happen!!!

If

2006-12-10T11:54:00.000-05:00

the Eagles don't beat the skins today I will find each {starting} player on the team and kick some ass. You don't think so, 2/3rds of them live with in 5 or so miles of my home...WATCH ME! Maybe I'll make the news! Or jail lol.

Happy 200,000 Grandy

2006-12-03T20:41:00.000-05:00

Thank you for lasting this long. Now I know I told you that after you hit 200 I didnt care what you did (as long as you made it that far). Well, I lied, can you hold out to 250?

Have You Ever

2006-12-01T19:46:00.000-05:00

been soooooo shotted @ someone acts because it is sooooo far from the person you thought you knew that you dont even have the guts to talk to them about it because your scared that all this time they really werent the person you knew them to be?

Wasting Time Til The Eagles Get Their Assed Kicked :-(

2006-11-26T13:25:00.000-05:00

wow i have been lacking w/ this whole blog thing in the past few months, sry. thanksgiving was good, my aunt drove my mom and i crazy w/ her whole "im poor, feel bad for me and give me money so i dont have to work ever again" bit. my mom pretty much told her off and said she's not welcome in the house ever again if she doesnt change the way she's been acting, thank god she finally said something to her because the bitch has be hitting a nerve in me for years now. we went over matt's rents on thanksgiving (my mom's was the day before) and that was ok, nothing special or anything. i cant wait til we dont have to go over anyone's house and they can just come over our place. though i think ill wait til my mom-mom is too old to come because she my mom's house smelled like piss because of her and i stepped in her pee in the bathroom (super YUCK) because she couldnt make the toilet...each time she went in there she missed and i cant deal w/ that.

we went to the mall on black friday not to shop so much but because matt had to get some shoes for work and i wanted lunch, big mistake. as we were leaving this girl who looked like she was 12 pulled up on the right of me (where there was no lane) and tried to cut me off to make a left and almost totalled my car. in fact 2 of us got through the light because of it when there were about 15 cars that couldve gotten through there. its ok because i laid on my horn for a good min and 1/2 because she kept doign stupid things! by the time she was done she was facing the wrong way in the lane she wanted to turn into FACING 2 sets of on coming traffic because she was just that much of a dumbass. the old people at the mall werent even that bad. she gave young girl drives the worst name, and we really dont all drive that bad!

this morning was david's birthday so we went out to breakfast at old country buffet w/ the baby and it was nice. the baby ate so much the kid shouldnt be eating for the rest of the week. i cant believe so much food fit into such a little kid! and thats my update, ill try to get more ontop of that.

Peace,
Ashlee

Another One Bites the Dust

2006-11-17T10:22:00.000-05:00

There hasnt been a great deal going on recently. Things have been good @ home. Matt just got a new job and he should be getting a call soon about when he starts (he already went for his tests and shit). We'll still trying to figure out whats going on with insurence and such but its deff a good change. Matt wont be on midnights anymore he'll be working 1st shift making more money an hour and im very happy for him.

Myself I have an interview for a nanny job in central jersey on sunday so wish me luck on that. $15 a hour for 5 hours a day 3-5 days a week, sweet deal since its all under the table and I get to bring Tristen with me! So in a matter of a few weeks things are really going to turn around for us money wise. Too bad it couldnt have happened sooner because now we're gunna have to do x-mas shopping @ the last min which i hate. However this year I think Im going to be doing all my shopping online because Marlton traffic around x-mas time is like rush hour traffic all the time. Oh and rush hour traffic that time of year, 4get about it. It takes about 45 min for me to go 6 miles to my mom's house, it sucks.

Tristen had a bad ear infection and is better now. His temp was really high and I was really worried about him for awhile. Then he had a reaction to the amoxicillin and its just been a huge mess.

Found out yesterday that another friend from high school od'ed on herion and died. In fact this is the 2nd time the same kid od'ed but this time he wasnt found in time. Guess cherokee is now "herion high" and no longer shawnee. Why cant ppl learn from other's mistakes. He was friends with Lutz too which kills me even more! I guess I have to keep and ear out for the funeral now too. ANOTHER cherokee 2004 grad bites the dust. Ive been to waaaaaay too many funerals in the past 2 years and its sad that this is the only way that I get to see all those people again. RIP Jack.

Peace,
Ashlee

So Sleepy

2006-11-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

Halloween was fun, Tristen had a blast going from door to door. He looked so damn cute too, I love my little man.

Speaking of baby he is sick right now, ear infection. He had a 103 fever for a day and I started to become a mess because I couldnt break it. But after hours of meds it finally broke and I was able to let him sleep through the night (I kept waking him up to take his temp to make sure he was going down and once it was no longer in the 100's I stopped bothering him).

Havent been doing much of anything recently. Things are going great w/ Matt and I. We're making time for each other for the 1st time in awhile. We went to the movies last weekend and we've been doing more stuff together. Money is still tight but we're working on it and we're working through. Go figure we were fighting when we had money we were fighting all the time (maybe because we never saw each other or the baby) and not that things are harder we are doing sooo much better. Its fine w/ me though, Id rather be worried about money then my relationship w/ my love. ok Im done typing, sry my ADD is kicking in.

Peace,
Ashlee

2006-10-31T12:57:00.001-05:00

Opps Guess I Let This Fall Behind

2006-10-25T10:09:00.000-04:00

wow oppsI guess I have been lacking in the blogging area huh? Sorry.

Ok a short fill in. Me, Corinne, Jayce, and Tristen went pumpkin picking last saturday and that was an adventure, it always is with Corinne and I. Jay crawled around the whole patch and Tristen kept tripping or stepping in rotten pumkin so they were both a mess when we got back to the cars. We got some really cute pictures of them though. After that i picked up my bro from practicve and some pizza and headed over Corinne's new place for lunch. The kids had fun playing with each other though Tristen needs to work on the sharing thing a little bit. I was a fun day.

There really isnt a whole lot else going on thats why I havent been writting. Things are going good with Matt and I. We're trying to through a halloween party so there is something exciting. Ill post about that when we have it. My grandfather flew in from cali a coupld nights ago so we've had dinner at my mom's the past few nights so we could spend some time with him.

Ok Im bored now bye!

Peace,
Ashlee

Great Day

2006-10-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was sooooooooo amazing!!!!!!!

It started off pretty nice because I got to sleep w/ my matty for the 1st time in a week or so and the day is almost always better when Im next to him. We took Tristen to Johnson's farm for a hayride and ran into a girl that matt use to work w/ who has an 8 month old son. So they sat near us and we talked to whole time which was nice. We hopped off the ride and Tristen found his pumpkin right away. I mean the kid would not let the pumpkin go, daddy had to pick it up because even though it wasnt big enough to carve someone through a fit when we walked away from it. So we went off to find the 2nd pumpkin and got some ghords (spl?) too. I cant't even tell you how hard it is to carry 2 pumpkins, a video camera, a baby, and the rest of the stuff we had, even though there were 2 of use!!!!!!!! It was really hard to video tape the little one when he kept tripping on the vines and even on the uneven dirt, poor baby. I got some cute video and even cuter pictures of him playing in the rows of sunflowers. Then the next stop was to pick apples. It started rainly lightly as soon as we pulled up to the apples trees but it didnt matter too much we were having fun. We picked a bunch of apples pretty quickly and then got back on the wagon and cleaned one off to eat. Mr Tristen decided that they dont taste as good after u bite into them, they are really just a chew toy so matt and I ate most of it, they were really good. All in all the hayride was soooo much fun. When we took him last year he was 6 weeks old so he really wasnt doing much of anything but this time around was a ton of fun!!!

We came home and put him down for a nap, I cleaned off the pumpkins and then we relaxed. We sat down around 2:30 and turned on chanel 6 to watch GH when it comes on @ 3. Well around 2:54 they broke in w/ that crazy news of the plain crashing into a building on the upper east side of NYC. I know now that it wasnt really anything big, though its still a kinda shockign story, but when we're watching tv and they break in by saying "Someone has crashed a plane into a building on the upper east side in NYC" you go "god damn, again". After that the day kinda went down hill. Tristen woke up from his nap crazy cracky and cried for about an hour str8 about nothing. Wouldnt eat for me and just wanted to be held. While this was going on Matt was texting the cute guy who lives below us and it seemed like he was finally going to stop blowing us off and we were going to hang out. So we rushed Tristen into the bath tub and put him to bed a little early. He needed it though, he didnt take a long enough nap and had a very tiring day.

So we went down there aorund 7:30, I love love LOVE his place. Of course it looks like a single man lives there but there is tons of dead stuff and blankets and inscents. So we sat down and started talking right away. NO wait, we packed two bowls 1st and then started talking. He had his bud on this tray and it was just so funny that it was right out there in the open like that, but really, who is he worried about seeing it!? We talked about everything from sports to dead shows and their downfall, our crazy neighbor Judy, the other neighbors and how Matt and I know them all from cherokee. Then we started talking about his music and how he plays the drums and bongos and he asked if we minded if he played them. Well of course i said hell no, turn it up!! He has friends over now and then for jam sessions and how could i deny him that, hell Ill be hanging out w/ my ear to the floor listening and jamming out! It still was nice that he asked though. Then we talked about the guy that lived here before us a hermit and mike and I both believe he was gay lol. We just had a great time hanging out. Oh and we were soooo lit, I cant even tell you the last time I got high off of smoking but I did. I could have been that hash in the one bowl though. His bowl is soooo hot, it trips you out as ur smoking out of it. He also talked me into picking up my guitar more and after I practice Im going to join his jams!! Fun stuff. It was too bad we had to leave a little after 9 but I had to pee so bad my kidneys hurt and I felt bad about using his bathroom. I really shouldve just went up to our place while he was switching cd's and come back down instead of taking off. But Matt did need to sleep a little before work so its all good. I cant wait to hang out w/ him again!!!!!!!

And that was my A-MAZ-ING day!

Peace,
Ashlee

P.S. He's even cuter then I 1st thought, when you see him close up. Matt thinks Im silly and I am. Now Im going to search for the dead concert we were listening to over there and download it!

Strange Dreams

2006-10-09T09:54:00.000-04:00

I had some strange dreams last night so I decided I needed to post wut I remember. The one started out with my aunt Oding or something and I was pretty sure she was going to die. We were in some nice hotel and I was running around trying to find help. W/e I went though there were all these weird people who were really out of it or something. Then I ran into my dad and found myself in the old house in the poconos. For some reason he was making me cry too, as if he was dying as well. I spent most of the dream running around like a crazy person trying to find help and find my video camera so I could save my last moments w/ both of them. Then I stopped for a moment and talked to this random black homeless guy I ran into and bought a test tub w/ white powder in it that I thought in the dream was some for of acid but now that I think about it I'm pretty sure it cant come like that but w/e. Then I somehow found out that they both were going to be ok and I moved on, to the next day. Next I found myself @ a movie theater...one that I have seen before in my dreams but have never been too. In fact this next part of the dream I have dreampt before, it just changes slightly every time I dream it. I ran into Nicky Sena, well more like I was meeting him there. It was a date or something because he took my hand and lead my through the seats until he found the perfect one or something (it was like a love seat and reclinded and all). We sat down, laid back and I cuddled up close to him while he asked me about my day...to which I replied "I dont think I can even begin toget into it, it was just awful" and then I was woken up by Tristen and Matty. Weird huh. I havent talked to Nicky in 4ever!!! In fact I have been meaning to hang out w/ him since he's never met the baby but he's so busy w/ school I hate IMing him because I feel like a bother.

And that was jus about all I wanted to say.

Peace,
Ashlee

Dont Hold Back

2006-10-08T12:56:00.000-04:00

yesetrday was CRAZY. not only did i wake up still pretty damn out of it but when i woke up this morning it was the 1st time in a day 1/2 that i wasnt still a little buzzed. awesome friday night and saturday. i dont even know if i can go into details because there is so much to go into, so much happened that its too hard to piece together on a blog so ill drop ome lines from the night and u can take away w/e u like from it.

Top Memoments

1. Matty grabs chairs and breaks one of the back spindals:
Matt "Thats never happened before!!"
Me "Well duh none of the other chairs are broken"

2. Matty looks in my eyes and starts to see sunflowers and such in a HUGE pupils and calls me Sunflower.

3. Went on a walk w/ tristen and 4 shading hs kids looks like they were breaking or sneaking into a house while 1 kept walking around to the back neighbors house as look out.
Jenn "Something's going on and that kid looking around gave it away for all of them!!"

4. Our fall wonderland trip through the neighborhood.

5. Jenn's Matt and his "buisness"..."There's too much business on the table...too much coming in and out"

6. Matt and the tappistry just sitting and stairing @ it for HOURS on end.

7. The grateful dead movie being on repeat for a good 6 hours.

8. Starting to play rummy and having no idea how what cards were in our hands or laid out...switching to Go Fish and still having the hardest time!!!

9. Taking an hour to get our sandwictches made and down.

10. Getting vissuals when you least expect it!

so it was a very good day. my mind was w/o a doubt expanded and i learned a great deal about myself and the world around me in the past day or so. something i would recommend for anyone who thinks they can handle it and might want to try. its a must!!

today we're just watching some football and cleaning up a little, well i guess really im the one cleaning up. then maybe ill run to katie's rent's resturant and apply for a job. in fact i think ill get my lazy ass in motion and do that 1st before i become wrapped up in my mommy duties.

peace,

ashlee

Lately It Occurs To ME

2006-10-04T12:19:00.000-04:00

...That not everything lasts forever. Friendships most of all. We all have that small core group of friends that know everything about u and u know everything about them, but what happens when they start to fade. I dont know about most people but I tend to go through phases where I hang out with some people more than others for long periods of time but that doesnt mean that my best friends are any less special. There are those few girls that u always go back to now and them because u really cant live w/o them in ur lives. But after time, even those people fade and new ones slowly take their place...or dont, it goes both ways. The only thing i can count on not changing is Matty. And that is why he is my soul mate. I wish ALWAYS be able to talk to him, to tell him things that I would tell my best girl friends, he's the only one w/ whom Ill ALWAYS have inside jokes and secret meanings to things. When I was younger I NEEDED a best friend for all that and had a very hard time when that friendship would come to an end. But now it has come to me that no matter how much I love my girls, if I fall out of touch w/ one of them, Ill live because I still have the one person that means more to me than anything else in this world....and I have Tristen too :-).

Now dont take this the wrong way, I love love LOVE my friends, they are amazing all the time, but at any moment things could change and I could lose them all forever...but I would live, make new friends, and Matty would pull me through.

I had my thoughts better organized earlier but the baby talking is distracting because I keep leaning over to talk to him. So that is my blurb for the day. This weekend is going to be awesome. Jackie (who I NEVER thought I would ever hang out w/ but it turns out that she has done lots of changing since high school and I can handle her in small doses) is going to come over along w/ Matt and Jenn and we're getting nice and fucked up. Rock on!!!!!!

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "The Golden Road (to unlimited devotion)"~ Grateful Dead

Yesterday

2006-09-29T15:54:00.000-04:00

What a trip, enough said!!!!

Yeah so we spent the day with matt and jenn expanding our minds and having fun...a lot of fun...wow do we owe Mike a big thank you.

Today so far Ive spent with my mom. We went to walmart and food shopping. Then we headed over to Johnson's farm and picked out a little jack-o-lantern for Tristen while he played in the pumpkins. Then we had some ice cream and donuts and walked around the petting zoo a little bit. I hope he realizes someday how much I do try to do with him. I know I have to work and drop him off with grandparents more than I like to but I do try to play with him and do fun things whenever I can.

Going over Jenna's later to hang out with the littlest one and then hanging out with matt and jenn Im sure.

Peace,
Ash

The Only People You Need In Life Are Those Who Need You In Theirs

2006-09-25T16:47:00.000-04:00

Poor Tristen had to have blood drawn today, it was awful. The 1st arm the woman couldn't get enough out so she went for the 2nd one and couldn't seem to find the vain so she just started moving the needle around in a circle leaving a huge hole in his skin. My poor baby, he was so brave. Matt had a hard time watching like I did. I think it was when she was moving it around in his skin that got to us both because I had to walk away but he was holding him so he watched it all. Matt was ghostly white when they were done too. No mother likes to see her little one in pain but its even worse when some bitch leaves a mark on her baby's perfect skin that not needed! Stupid dr's office and their "standard" tests.

When we were done we took him to the park for a little bit to swing and run around. He wasn't so sure he liked the idea @ 1st but 10 seconds in the swing and he was fine again. We played for a 1/2 hour or so and then headed home because it was someone's nap time.

Came home, watched GH while I cleaned and Matt helped me put away the 5 + loads of laundry...and I forgot where I was going with that. See Tristen was getting into some books I had on the table so I just got up to read him one and then was playing with him a little bit and now I have no idea where my train of thought was going on that one. That's my life these days.

Peace,
Ash

Oh and the title...no explaination needed

1 Song Encores Kill Me

2006-09-24T15:28:00.000-04:00

aerosmith was amazing, better then the last show. they let me down like dmb did though and only played one song for the encore. once again in sweet emotion tyler say "cuz a month on the road ill be cumming in ur hair". motely crue SUCKED!!!!! its sad when u have to relay on 1/2 naked girls and porn on the video screen to get the crowd pumped up ::skakes head::. only got to do one balloon, drank enough for the most part (wouldve like to have been a little more drunk but we had one rolled and during sweet emotion we kept the buz going hehe). the security was a buz kill and we spent the night i the lawn w/ my little bro but it wasnt too bad. i was pretty happy w/ the set list, very happy to hear seasons of wither again, god the song kills live. they played dream on WAAAAAAAAAAAY too early in the show though. u gotta feel bad for them playing the same 10 songs over and over for last god only knows how many shows. @ least dmb have a core of 50 songs they work their way through; out of 38 dates last summer no song way played more than 21 times. so it was good night. ran into some ppl i know from hs, i missed my adrain, i hadnt seen her since i left fridays. i ran into my buddy tom too and i pretty much jumped into his arms when i saw him, love that kid its been waaaay too long.

today has been pretty busy so far. went out to brunch w/ my mom, david, matt, and the little one. then we went to my bro's soccer game for awhile, watched the baby run around w/ his soccer ball more than the game itself. its amazing that he can dribble the ball, he's 1!!!!!! came home early from the game to put him down for a nap and to clean. scrubbed the bathroom and vaccumed a little while watching some football. not im relaxing, waiting for the little one to wake up and to head over my mom's for the game and some dinner. thats my day.

peace,

ashlee

Aerosmith Tonight!!!!!!!!

2006-09-23T10:18:00.000-04:00

i love love love loooooove concerts @ the tweeter centre, have i ever told anyone that! well i do. i love the openness, the music, the PARTYING IN THE PARKING LOT, and that summer night smell it carries w/ it all year long. some of the greatest moments of my life have taken place there and there are only more good ones to come. the more i think about it, the excited i get. i just hope thsi god damn rain clears up, not that we're sitting in the lawn we're going to be fucking FEET from the platform, i dont like to tailgate in the rain. can u blame me?

things have been going god w/ matt and i . we had a great day together yesterday just hanging out together which doesnt happen as much as i would like it to...but thats life right!?

short and sweet, ill update about the concert tomorrow. right now i need to go play w/ my baby a little bit before we pass him off onto his grandparents for the night!

peace,
ashlee

That Kinda Feeling

2006-09-22T10:42:00.000-04:00

do u ever have one of those days where everyone makes u nuts...im for seeing that kinda day for me. wish me luck

She's A Bitch And I Just Dont Care Anymore

2006-09-22T00:16:00.000-04:00

had a rather good day. hung out w/ my favorite person...miss jenna...and her sis and her new baby keith. we watched him for a little while jill went out and got some stuff done. then they came over here for some pizza and to have baby time. tristen would not stop giving little keith kisses on his head, so damn cute when he does that.

hung out w/ M&J (is what i call them now lol) again tonight, like every night.

matt and i had a nice little soccer match in the living room, i won and ended up laying his ass out lol.

i hate my new job. the more time that passes the more i hate it.

time changes everything. including friendships...because ppl become the exact thing they are accusing other ppl of being.

jenna and i had a good talk today about life, well yesterday now. and about men, and how i seem to have lost a lot of who i use to be. now i know ive changed because of the baby but i should have just changed a small part of myself. it seems like there are hug parts of who i use to be that are just missing all together. i have lost all motivation and i need to get myself back on track before i can even begin to be happy again.

keeping this short but sweet, i promise the updates will become better as time passes.

peace,
ashlee

p.s. i no longer consider u a best friend...but then again u havent even been a friend to me in awhile huh!

Sometimes I Feel Like My Body's Gone Numb

2006-09-18T10:28:00.000-04:00

i hate working, i really do. im not the biggest of fans when it comes to having to leave my family behind to do a job that bores the hell out of me. guess this is what college is for right, to get out of these dead end jobs because i know im smarter than this and should be doing something much more challanging.

that brings me to my next point, BCC has made me dumber. i use to be soooo into school and love learning and was up in current events and what not, now blah nothing. i was a wize @ school and i was pretty smart too. i want that back, i miss that thrill from learning something new, am i a dork for this???? i think on my next day off im going to begin applying to 4 year schools because im tired of sitting on my ass, i wanna feel smart again, ive done the "average" thing and im over it. im ment to do something amazing and i need to get my ass in gear if thats ever going to happen.

so how bout them eagles?? yeah i know hate them love them. i called that game though. i said a week ago that we wouldnt be able to hold it together to beat the gaints, though we should have taken them easily. and sure enough i called it again when we were still up by 10 and went for it on 4th down...i said if they dont get it then the gaints were coming back to take the game...and they did. missed most of the dallas vs redskins game which i really did wanna watch but by that point i was a little too drunk to pay much attention to anything that wasnt family guy funny, yeah know.

my car is hanging out in burlington for the day, getting worked on. now i knew that my back breaks were the original and i knew that i was eating through my back break pads but please like i could afford back breaks are a car that isnt going to last to use them anyway? turns out i need 4 sets of pads and rotors, back breaks and drums and once they are done w/ that then they will figure out why she isnt working. thats right, all that money on shit and thats not even whats wrong with the car. my mom is helping me pay for it though which is really great of her since money is so tight until i get my 1st check, in 2 fucking weeks.

matty is getting a new job!!!!!!!!!!! yay making lots and lots of money so things will be much easier and im getting a big screen tv for x-mas, or shortly after. i told him thats all i want, lol im such a man right?! im sry but the sound on our tv sucks and there is a green spot in the picture that drives me a little nuts sometimes. and its not like i want a ton of shit. i want to decorate this place a little more and a new tv goes right along w/ that. we'll get caught up on bills and be able to afford a car payment and i wont have to work as much next semester and i can pay attention to school work, how about that!!!! things are looking up. i will even be able to go to the dr again for all my issues and stuff. yay me. though now im kinda scared to because once im am put on meds for being bipolar im on that shit for LIFE!!!!!!!!!! and life is a long time when ur 20. then again my dad has been bipolar for some time now and he when he let it go untreated he became and alchy and fucked up a good 20 years of his life, so i think i need to suck that shit up.

peace,
ashlee

Current Mucis: "looking glass"~string cheese incident

Im All Locked Up In This Dark Place

2006-09-13T12:47:00.000-04:00

ive hit a major down swing, worse than my normal ones. its only been a few days but it feel like a life time. the stupidest things set me off and i cant stand it. i cant live my life this way. i freaked out @ matt for getting the baby off his schedule which shouldnt be that big of a deal and normally isnt but i made it one today. i picked a fight out of thin air. sometimes i feel like i cant control my emotions. why cant i make myself happy? why cant i pull myself out of these swings? i can see now why my dad is an alchy, i dont blame him. living w/ this for decades is more than enough time to form an addiction. i mean u NEED some way to cope w/ this and if u cant get help then there is only one other path. a path i cant let myself go down for the sake of my family. im not saying that im anywhere near a drinking problem but i am starting some bad habits as a way to deal w/ this and i need to stop them. help someone!!!!!

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "rhyme and reason"~dmb

I Hate Coming Home

2006-09-10T15:29:00.000-04:00

to this!!!!!!!!

and at the moment i hate u.

u know im having a hard time dealing w/ this and u push my fucking buttons and set off my swings anyway. thanks for making fighting this each day THAT much harder.

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothin Left To Lose

2006-09-05T15:03:00.000-04:00

ok update is much needed.

thursday we took tristen to the carnival w/ dan, corinne and jayce which was nice. tristen went on a ride w/ me and downe the big slide w/ matt. then we returned home to hang out w/ matt and jenn. we've been hanging out w/ them a lot recently. almost every night i think...mayeb we've missed 1 or 2 but its been 3 weeks!!!!

we took tristen to a phillies game w/ my mom, bro, and david and he was sooooooo good @ the game and its not easy for a little one to sit through. the game was amazing, got the cutiest shots of the little one :-). we finished our great day by going over matt's parents for a little dinner and lecture wrapped in one. poor matt, we left and he was ready to kick his dad's face in.

yesterday tristen and i went to the park w/ corinne and jayce. we walked around for a little bit while the kids threw things out of their strollers. then they went on the swings and some other toys and they had a lot of fun. corinne and i had a good talk to. in fact we're going to try to fly down in FL in november to visit bean and her little one after she settles in. she needs some ppl around beside mike so she wont loose her mind. im soooooo excited for her. after the park tristen and i went to hang out w/ my mom for awhile and then came back home. little mister must not have gotten enough time w/ daddy because he would not go to sleep last night. so i eneded up laying down w/ him even though we still had ppl over hanging out and that blew :-(.

ok my ADD is kicking in and GH is on so im done for now!!

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "me and bobby mcgee"~janis joplin

That Time Of Summer Again

2006-08-30T11:18:00.000-04:00

pretty good week so far, havent gotten a whole lot of anything done, well some cleaning but that i do almost everyday.

matt and i took tristen to the carnival on monday and im pretty sure he liked it. lots of lights and stuff how could he not. we met up w/ sean there and he took him to go meet the kid dressed up as elmo and then walked around w/ us for a little bit/ from some reason he shows up every night and just walks around til he runs into ppl he knows. i wish i knew that many ppl @ his age to do that!

so the carnival, for those of u who arent formilar w/ it, is thsi corny little thing but its a marlton tradition. its nice during the week but on the weekends ull get run over by high school girls in tube tops and short shorts screaming and chatting about who just did what and all that crap, its a scary thing so just take my word for it. thank god i was never one of them. i remember walking around w/ a guy a had a crush on the 1st time i went and the times after that (besides the summer before my frosh year of college) ive gone w/ matt...we brought the baby last year when he was only a few weeks old. tonight i think we're going again w/ dan, corrine, and jayce!!!

oh so enough of that non sense. not sure what my plans are for the rest of the week. i do need to run to jc penny to pick up the pictures i had taken of tristen on his birthday. and then more cleaning today. saturday my dad is coming down and then was might be going to the aquarium (there what now matt now its spelled right). other than that who knows!!

my car is currently doing this cute thing where it doesnt start the 1st few times and the only was i can keep it from stalling the min it finishes turning over is to keep my foot on the gas. the problem is as soon as i try to put it in gear it starts. so ive learned how to drive w/ both feet since for the 1st 5 or so min while it warms up i need to keep my foot on the gas. i stalled out 4 times leaving the house the other day, one of them i was turning onto rt70 as i did it, god i want a new car!!!! anyone have any ideas on why its doing this??? im all out of ideas...i know enough about cars to keep her running but im not expert. in fact, everything ive learned about cars was from this one...either she was breaking down on me or my mom doesnt matter...i still leanered what parts control what and when they feel like they're going. she's been my tudor and in a way i couldnt ask for a better 1st car because ill always have some knowledge of cars thanks to her.

shower time for me, im so excited about getting the baby's pictures today!!!!

peace,
ashlee

All Kids Are Messy

2006-08-26T13:12:00.000-04:00

Ive been rather busy recently, fixxing up the baby's room. I went to A.C. Moore the a few days ago and bought tons of shelves and paint and stuff to paint a chalkboard in Tristen's room and make a little book shelve for him too. So 11 freshly painted shelves, 1 can of paint, and 3 can of spray paint later and Im 1/2 way done. I planned on hanging them last night but turns out the stud finder isnt doing such a great job at finding studs and I need to go out and buy some molly bults before i can finish the job. Its going to look so great, I cant wait. Then I have some shelves to hang in the living room but I think Ill wait til the baby's pictures come in and I frame them til I do that.

Matt and I have been hanging out w/ Jenn and her b/f a lot this week and its been fun, something Im sure we'll continue to do.

I found Monica on myspace and Im soooo excited!!!! (monica sat infront of me in homeroom until sr year when she had a baby...but she was the 1st person I met @ cherokee and we use to talk about everything ). Ive missed her like crazy and I was very happy to hear that Im one of the only ppl from high school that she wishes she'd keep in touch w/. Hopefully we'll get to hang out soon!!

I tried to get ahold of Corrine today, I was hoping to do something w/ her and her little one this weekend. I like my mommy friends and to do mommy things w/ them. I think we're going to bring the kids to the carnivel next week so that will be fn. We brought Tristen last year and when he wasnt even a month old and he seemed to like it.

OK Tristen is getting into trash so by!

peace,
ash

I Take That Back Now, I Hope You're Doing Fine

2006-08-23T10:15:00.000-04:00

yesterday was perfect, matt and i had the greatest day. i woke up to him showering me w/ gifts which was so very sweet on his part. then he mentioned that he was planning on taking me to the beach for the day but it was too late to do so. so i decided we should just go to OC and walk to boardwalk. so we loaded up tristen and all his stuff and took grandy down.

well 1/2 was down the AC expressway i realized my car was not the best one to take...my windows dont roll down and since its 2 door the doors are HUGE which didnt help @ tolls...kinda embrassing in fact. we made it down ok, found a spot and realized "damn my car is barely going to fit in there" but since i am the parking MASTER i was able to make it fit. as soon as we got up the board walk the 1st thing we did was hit up the bathroom, for me lol, and mack n mangos for some lunch (its was around 2:30 when we got down there). tristen LOVED the pizza, the kid chowed down a whole piece by himslef, i know!!!! next we went onto surf mall to buy some stuff for our room (matt decided he wants to do a rock theme and the wall are going to be COVERED top to bottom w/ posters and such, as wall paper, its going to ROCK when im done). then we stopped in a shop and bought tristen a shirt that says "what happens @ grandma's stays @ grandma's". walked for a little bit longer, god it was such a nice day. oh i had the baby get one of those old time photo's done, he's dressed as a cow boy w/ bags of money and a gun and a hat, its sooooo damn cute!!! we walked the boards for about 3 hours before we headed back home.

stopped on the way home for some fresh corn, yum corn, made dinner, and just relaxed while watching From Hell the rest of the night. it was a good day, it was the perfect day w/ my family!

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "little miss (cant be wrong)"~spin doctors

Begin To Ending Is Really Just To Go Round & Round & Round

2006-08-20T14:59:00.000-04:00

rather eventful weekend so far. so here's a recap:

saturday we went to miriel's birthday party in burlington city for a little while. didnt really drink much, a shooter and 3 jello sots...not even enough to give me a little buz, then again i seem to be drinking a lot recently so that could be part of it. anyway it was fun while we were there. headed home, did some food shopping mostly for fruits and veggies so i could make some baby food cuz we were running pretty low. then i made pork chops, mashed potatos, and corn on the cobb since corrine was coming over w/ jayce (tristen's little girl friend). it was nice ot see corrine, her and i dont hang out enough, and the kids had a lot of fun playing together. so they were over for a few hours and then left when i put tristen to bed. spent the rest of the night reading parenting and decipline books, made myself a wreck over it, had to have rob calm me down and convince me im not going to screw tristen up as bad as i think i am. then went to bed.

today the little one and i have been playing a lot. i made baby food for about 3 hours (u have to peel it, cook it, blend it...its a rather looooong process), made myself lunch, tried some of the things the book is telling me to do w/ him like teaching him some sign language. then my mom came over and we went to the pool for a few hours, got some sun :-). these tan lines have got to go. maybe when i get some money ill go tanning for a little bit to get rid of them. then we came back here and played for a little bit before the baby went down for a nap and my mom went home. now here i am, relaxing and sitting down for the 1st time today (besides when i chowed down lunch). i should be waking matt up in a little biut, he's been sleeping since 9 i think. ill give him to 4 then he's got to get up because im getting kinda lonely...again...story of my life right.

tonight we might be going over to my mom's for dinner, not too sure yet so we'll see. maybe ill have katie over for a while to help me relax ;-p. and thats about it for my day so far. perhaps my weekend isnt as eventful as i thought. seems like im missing something.

peace,
ashlee

Current Music: "raven"~dmb

All My Wishful Thinkng Was Wrong, Im Jaded...I Hate It

2006-08-19T12:27:00.000-04:00

the heart wants what it wants and there's nothing u can do to change it once its set on something. i dont know what more he could want, i picked him, im giving up rob. id be lying if i said it was only because of how much i love matt but its not. there are more things involved here and i need to grow up and make choices that are best for my son, following my hearts every desire isnt alloud anymore.

so how am i doing w/ all this? im scared, nervous, heart broken, lonely, depressed, hopeful, and lost all wrapped into one.

please stop blaming rob, this wasnt him. of course it was just as much him as it was me but u cant say that he shouldve known better when he say an opening to get everything he's ever wanted w/ someone he's always loved and took it. u did the same thing to him and yes there are more factors invovled but that doesnt make it any different.

and thats it, thats all im going to say about all this.

rob im going to miss u so much and i hope ull still be my friend, one of my best friends. please?

peace,
ashlee

Current Music:"love song for no one"~ John Mayer

I Don't Know Why Nobody Told You How To Unfold Yor Love

2006-08-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

a little confused right now. for some reason matt is being a little more controlling then normal and having these dreams that are causing him to be that way. its driving me a little crazy that he wants to make it a family outting to go job hunting...id rather just go alone thank u very much i dont need someone to hold my hand. he's been acting my out of it than normal and i dont get why. if anything things should be going better than normal, rob and i dont hang out anymore so why is he now all of the sudden so distant (matt not rob, though i will get into that in a min)??? he acts like he never wants me in edgewater park again...or even near rt 130. well if im going to get a job in delran then what the hell and i suppose to do. besides nana and poppie live in EP so how can i not ever enter the town again? he's just going to hvae to work w/ me a little bit on this one.

and rob, who i havent talked to much since he is working day shifty, go figure once he works "normal" hours we dont have a lot to do w/ each other. so we talked a little the other day while he was signed on @ work, mostly because i was talking ot his mom and wanted to tell him what we were talking about. i get that he's pulling away to make it easier on both of us but it still hurts. we use to be best friends and we cant anymore so im still having a hard time adjusting to that. i send him messages and emails and never hear back from him, i guess im getting written off and it kinda hurts...not kinda...it REALLY hurts.

why am i the only person not 100% unhappy, even when im giving up a lot to make everyone else happy??? it sucks because the more this goes on, the more numb i feel. how the hell does matt think we're going to set things right again if he's acting like this all the time and im numbing myself out? we've been doing good...the fighting is pretty much gone and that was a good portion of what started this, and we're working on becoming "us" again, but i dont feel like he's giving it his all sometimes. why the hell and i trying? it would be so easy for me to walk away from it, easier than staying, but im not...im fighting to fix it.

but in the end maybe this is all me. maybe im making things and emotions up in my head that arent there, i feel like i do that sometimes. sometimes i cant tell whats really a problem and what's something that im making into one. god i need help!!! someone, anyone, just a clue, just fill me in on w/e it is im missing, please.

moving on, jenn and her b/f stopped by last night to pass some bowls w/ us, we had a good time. rach stopped by for a little bit too to say hi to us since she just got back from canada. tonight im thinking about going out w/ her to some girl's place...party is the only part that i really caught in the convo so we'll see if it pulls through. i guess i need to go make plans for the little one to spend the night w/ someone. see ya!!

peace,
ferg

Current Music: "while my guitar gently weeps"~Phish's cover

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Standing on the Moon, I Feel So Alone & Blue.

Try to See What's Going Down, Maybe Read Between the Lines

I Use to Get High For a Living, Thinking That My Destiny Was Out of My Control

In the Darkest Times You Shine on Me, You Set Me Free & Keep Me Steady As We Go

A Box of Rain Will Ease the Pain & Love Will See You Through

When Everybody Loves You, That's Just About As Fucked Up As You Can Be

I'll Go On Forever Only Knowing I'll See You Again

Space Your Face!!!

Don't Let the Troubles in Your Head Steal Too Much Time, You'll Soon Be Dead

But My Faith Has Got Me Bound To Your Grey Blue Eyes

Been Talking Alot About Less & Less & Forgetting The Love We Bring

Update...sorta

WOW

Both Say That We Never Before Have Felt As Recently

Say What YouWant, Say What You Mean...Question Yourself, Are You Really What You Seem?

Speak With Wisdom Like A Child, Directly To The Heart

His Job Is To Shed Light, Not To Master

We All Have Something That Digs At Us...

Cuz I Love What I Love And I Want It That Way

Built To Last While Years Roll Past...

When There Was No Dream Of Mine, You Dreamed Of Me

There Are Times When I Can Help You Out & Times That You Must Fall

I'M

Wishing I Was Anywhere But Here

Some Rise, Some Fall, Some Climb, To Get To Terrapin

Without Love Day To Day Insanitys King

Its Just That I Have Gotten Use To Having You Around. The Landscape Would Be Empty If Your Were Gone...

And These Days I Wish I Was 6 Again

Shows

The Wheel Is Turning & You Cant Stand Still, Cant Let Go & Cant Hold On, You Cant Go Back And You Cant Stand Still...If The Thunder Dont Get You...

You Make Me Love, So Unconditionally Generous To Me, You Give Me Love

Must Admit Your Kind Of Frightnin' But You Really Get Me High

There's A Tingling Recognition Like The Sound Of Distant Thunder & I Begin To Wonder If The Love Ive Driven Under Wont Ignite

Missing My Uncle

Listen To The River Sing Sweet Songs To Rock My Soul

There May Come A Day When I Dance On Your Grade, Unable To Dance I Will Crawl Across It

I Will Get By

Too Many Choices

Captin America Said You Gotta Be Like Me Or You're Gunna End Up Dead...

Wake Now, Discover that You are the Song that the Morning Brings

She Dances While His Father Plays Guitar, She's Suddenly Beautiful. And We All Want Something Beautiful, I Wish I was Beautiful

Birthday Recap

Yay For Me

A Good Week!!

New Job

I Hate When People Arent Respectful Of Your Home

Matt Damon!!

I Heart Preston And Steve

I Can't Think Of A Place More Perfect For A Person As Perfect As You

Its Peanut Butter Jelly Time

Happy 3 Years

Hey My Friend, I See You Eyes Are Troubled. Care To Spend Your Time With Me?

Cuz I Am Listenin To What You Got, Hold Up Your Hands If You Want Me To Stop

Don't Believe The Florist When He Tells You That The Roses Are Free

Feel The Change

Look Both Ways & DISPATCH With A Quickness

See That Girl Barefootin' Along? Whistlin' & Singin', See's Carryin On

Football Season Is Ending Too Fast

Its a Big World After All

Oh You Have Been Up Above

Didn't You Love Me Faster Than A Devil?...Run Me Straight Into The Ground?

Oh, Colder Grow the Days. Oh, Much Faster Pass the Years By...Til We Die

Who CRIES, Really?

You Know, I mean 2 Tell You All The Things I've Been Thinking Deep Inside, My Friend

Anger

I'm Broken, Don't Break Me

Thoughts

...But Its All Over Now

Merry Christmas

If

Happy 200,000 Grandy

Have You Ever

Wasting Time Til The Eagles Get Their Assed Kicked :-(

Another One Bites the Dust

So Sleepy

Opps Guess I Let This Fall Behind

Great Day

Strange Dreams

Dont Hold Back

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